7/10/08

To Be Honest, I'm Terrified!

Of bees.

But that's not what I'm talking about today...

My main squeez-a-roonie and I are in talks about possibly moving to my hometown. Where I grew up. Not the city. Small place. Been gone for years. Currently a city girl. Scared of going back in time. Scared.

You see, I moved back there about ten years ago, not long after college, and had a not-so-smart time of life. I was single, confused, silly, immature, and did I mention silly? I call the couple of years (three?) I lived there my "stupid years." The years where I did everything I never thought I would do in the name of stupidity. Just floundered. Made a fool of myself. You get the idea.

It may be a matter of pride that keeps me from considering fully the idea of actually living there. Because I know I made a bit of a name for myself in those days. Not the worst name ever to hit the place, but when a true "goody goody" does things that aren't very "goody goody" people start to talk. Especially in small towns. Geez, do they ever! And I hate that.

I hate that in many minds where I come from I am frozen in time. I am the old me. I guess I can't blame them, because they haven't seen much of the evolution of my life since those days. I was just suddenly gone, escaping back to the big city to start over. And I've even come to a place now where I can see that those years served a purpose, making me a better version of me. I suppose that's what redemption is all about. But I digress...

My dear friend, Kim and I recently talked about this. Because we had just made a trip back to our hometown, and ran into people who made it clear that they don't know who Kim is now. They seemed stuck on things she did over ten years ago and completely unable to see her husband standing next to her, or to hear her speak of her beautiful daughter, her grown-up life. To them she is frozen. Iced into a mold of someone that is no longer her, and maybe never really was her. If these people would really have known her even then, apart from her lifestyle (and mine) they would have loved her as I did and still do.

But I know how that feels, to be remembered only as someone who wasn't even really you. Not good. Painful, really. Even if it shouldn't matter.

So, yeah. I'm wondering if it's best to just stay hidden away from all of that? Or to face it and get over it? Because it all does still haunt me quite a bit. What really matters is that there are a lot of things in the "pro" column in regards to making the move back home. This whole thing about my reputation and bad memories, that's pretty much the only con. But it feels like a big one to me.

I don't want to live in fear and never take chances, but I don't want to end up miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin either. I suppose learning how to be me and fully forgive myself of my past is something that needs to happen to make me stronger. I haven't completely done it yet. I'm starting to think that moving there would bring closure somehow. Life is funny like that.

But I'm still terrified.

5 clicked right here to comment:

kimberly said...

I'd be terrified too! Even if you've moved on and you're not the same person you once were, there is still a small part of you that thinks you are the old person. That girl. You feel all yucky inside thinking about it, knowing it really wasn't THAT long ago. On top of that, the chance of running into old boyfriends or old enemies...your in it all over again. On the bright side...the beauty of going back is seeing how far we've come. If you do move, first, I will cry...but you'll just establish your new life there. You'll still be the same mom and wife, you'll still do the same things, just in a different place. The hard part of small towns is sometimes you are surrounded my small minds (sorry small town readers), but even they know what I mean. It is very easy to get involved in who is sleeping with who and whos kid got caught drinking and kicked off the football team, blah blah blah. Here in the big city you can know your neighbors, but not know everything about your neighbors. If that is the only negative....hmmmm. I think its a no-brainer! The best part would be help, real help, close by. The conveniences are great and the on-call Grandma and Grandpa can not be beat! I wish you God's peace in your decision making. I hope you don't end up leaving Ryan for the farmer two farmers over. I'd hate to have rumors going around about you on some gravel road! Geezzz, Heather. See here I go, small town thinking! :) Love you!

Kristen said...

Oooh - I don't think I could do it. Every time I visit my hometown I just have this yucky feeling. My family still lives there so it's a must but I am seriously crawling out of my skin the whole time. Yes, small towns are hard, and past mistakes are even harder. Been there!

Kimberly said...

Gotta validate you on this one, I'd be feeling pretty terrified too! We all go through stupid times, for me it was 9-27 or so, with a special focus on 18-22. ~sigh~ Yeah. Not easly to face up to that sort of thing. Gotta feel sorry for anyone so narrow-minded they don't recognize a person's ability to change (I mean, haven't they, personally, changed a little bit over the course of their own life?).

Sounds like time for a lot of soul-searching.

C said...

Um... sorry, Little Miss Pragmatic here~ Are they closing the roads to the Cities once you move back to Spicer-upper? 'Cuz if they AREN'T and you HATE it, you could move back here. Easy Peasy.

Although, I think at that point, you could add another adjective to your glowing reputation : Gypsy. ;)~

xo, crock

k & k said...

ok, now that i am done with the mini panic attach i had at the thought of myself having to move back there i can reflect on just you! wow. i am in shock- yet not. it actually makes sense to me...kind of...for YOU to do this. i can see it working out. and once that light rail line is up and going, you won't have to stress over that con about leaving all your friends bc youc an just zip off to Minni to visit...oh wait...I DIDN"T SEE THAT CON LISTED!!!! :-) I still love you! :-)

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