11/7/08

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Ready? AIM! FIRE!!! (Prepare for bullet points and while you read imagine popping and cracking and banging sounds cause that's what's in my head as I shoot them off. And ignore the fact that I don't use punctuation that often. Thank you.)

Some days I just can't be patient and calm and easy-going and nice and creative and energetic.

Today is one of those days.
  • It's snowing. I will try hard to find it pretty, but it's also winter.
  • I'm the kind of stay at home mom that cannot stay at home because we all go crazy but today I have no choice because my mom accidentally left with Miles' car seat yesterday. So it's two hours away. Obviously we can't go anywhere with no car seat.
  • The boys are insane today. Being 3.5 years old is making Miles a big meanie. And Asher has a headache and he's always tired and I understand that and feel for him, but I'm so so so so so tired of the constant crying. It's been 15 months, people! The only way to get him to stop is to distract him by going places. BUT WE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.
  • I'm acting like a freak. Yes, I realize this is why my boys are acting like freaks, but I CAN'T STOP.
  • I can't figure out how to actually get my good intentions to live themselves out and that makes me more angry than guilty.
  • Miles won't stop hitting Asher or pushing him over.
  • While I knelt on the floor and cleaned up the puzzles for the fifth time, Miles and Asher shoved things down my pants. I don't even know what's in there and I don't care.
  • I don't know who's stealing all the sippy covers in our house, but I want to have a word with them. The ones they left behind pop off easily. So I cried over spilled milk today becasue there was SO SO SO much and it was seeping under the cabinets and Asher kept crawling in it while I tried to sop it up and Miles stood behind me and unrolled all the paper towels.
  • Blogger hates me. I was going to post a nice funny video "From the mouth of Miles" today, but Blogger hates me.
  • Even if there's always an underlying peace, having someone put a shunt in your child's head is still scary and it looms above me as I have things shoved in my pants and cry over spilled milk.
  • I've been letting my boys (even the Asher one) watch WAAAAY too much PBS lately.
  • I'm on the computer WAAAAY too much as a means of distracting myself from stress.
  • My kids are tired of me not engaging them in any sort of activities so they act like freaks and then I act like a freak and then they act even more freakish and then I'm a raving lunatic.
  • Things could be much worse but I'm still being a big baby
  • So I feel bad about that.
  • Asher keeps crawling like an animal on his hands and feet and putting his head on the floor, dragging it in front of him as a way to get around with that heavy of a head. Sometimes it's funny, but mostly it's heartbreaking.
  • I do exactly one quarter of everything, I never finish a thing because someone is always talking, repeating the same thing over and over and over, or crying.
  • Miles wants popcorn. He wants popcorn. Now. Mom, I want popcorn. Give me popcorn. I said, I want it NOW.
  • I'm off to make popcorn for lunch.
Okay, I think I'm done. Carry on now, knowing that if you have days like this, I do too. It's a wonderful sisterhood of craziness.

41 clicked right here to comment:

Kazzy said...

I would never call you a big baby. You have been the caretaker of a little boy who doesn't feel well. That has got to be hard. We all distract ourselves sometimes, and there are plenty worse things than writing about your feelings on a blog! I hope you have a great weekend and can relax a bit.

Lara said...

Yes. We do indeed all have these days. Drat those good intentions...sometimes I wish I just didn't care, it seems I might be easier on myself.

You're doing great! You inspire me daily, so thank you.

Elizabeth said...

I want to be part of this sisterhood of craziness. Wait, I already am. Hallelujah, it's good to have friends!

Sara@ Butterville said...

THhe crying, the split milk even the things in the pants...I've gone through it all. Those times are so tough, especially the crying. When there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it stop...PBS is a very good thing. Give yourself a break, let Elmo and Sid and George work their magic...NOBODY cares if your kids are watching TV while it's snowing out and you have no means to go anywhere.(We all do it.)
By the way you are NOT a freak. Freaky, funky, Fresh maybe but NOT a freak.

Bonnie Lewis said...

i love this post and i love your honesty! and i love miles cause i had popcorn for lunch yesterday too!

Keyona said...

I have days like that as well. We are all in it together. Hang in there Heather.

LisAway said...

Sounds like a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day. I'm sorry.

But how do you still make it funny even when you're all totally freaking out? I should cry for you but you have me laughing.

I hope you find the sippy cup lids and that the popcorn works some magic and things settle down. And that it stops being winter, but that might not happen for a while.

Nina said...

Sounds like you are feeling trapped inside today. I hope you get that car seat back soon.
Snow, really....

Erin said...

I have felt this way before too. I have cried over spilt milk. And I frequently only get 1/4 of things done, because I forget what I was doing when I walk into the next room.

Sometimes, PBS has to be your good friend. And you have to let that be okay. And the computer is a great distraction when you need it.

I wish I lived near you so I could give you a hug and we could have a picnic lunch on my living room floor!

brentandsarah said...

From one crazy sister to another: Hang in there, this too shall pass. (My mom always said that to me and it sometimes annoyed me) But...Hang in there!

I think we are getting snow tomorrow. I hate snow.

Kim said...

These two especially spoke to me --
# I'm on the computer WAAAAY too much as a means of distracting myself from stress.
# My kids are tired of me not engaging them in any sort of activities so they act like freaks and then I act like a freak and then they act even more freakish and then I'm a raving lunatic.

It IS a wonderful sisterhood of craziness. Always nice to know we're not alone.

Btw, as I type this, my kids are screaming, baby is trying to nurse but can't while I am typing, so I have milk dribbling down my stomach and into my lap. Great fun.

K and/or K said...

Snow. Like white rain almost, but not flamable.

Kimberly said...

Yes, things could be worse, but they could be so much better too, hun. You're going through a really rough stretch. We are not in the lands of normal here. Be gentle with yourself. If PBS and computer time help you cope? Embrace them for a time. You can't be a good mum if you're out of your head with stress...so find ways to fight the stress. It's lesser of two evils time.

And my kids watch too much PBS and we've got nothing big going on.

Becky said...

This is probably not going to be helpful in any sense of the word, but hooray! I'm not alone!

Sometimes when Adam gets home and he's frustrated with the kids after half an hour, I want to write him a list like the one you just made and take off for three hours.

Luckily, he loves me still and sometimes is even the one to suggest that I should take off for three hours. Awesome.

Kristina P. said...

Popcorn for lunch is an excellent idea! Save some for me!

Lisa said...

Well, at least you didn't stay on "small talk" for long. You jumped right off of the weather report. :) We like that!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

You're just doing the best you can. And if it makes you feel better, my kids watch too many DVDs and I've made popcorn for lunch too.

Brooke said...

Go see if your neighbors have an extra carseat. I feel for you being stuck. You're a great mom. Good Luck!

*MARY* said...

My kids have been eating corn dogs every day this week, not because they want to, but because it only takes a minute and a half to cook.

I know about the stuck indoors thing. There's snow here too and I don't have a car, so we never go anywhere. The kids and I haven't left the house since Sunday. So, PBS and Disney movies are on tv non-stop at my house.

I wish I knew how you felt about the kids putting stuff down your pants thing. That's never happened to me, your kids are so creative.

RosyRose said...

If I were talking to you on the phone I might tell you this may be one of those moments when small talk isn't cutting it for you because you are facing some huge mountains of uncertantity.
The stuff in the pants tells me that at least your kids aren't too afraid of you yet!:) I love it!
You are among friends who have been there! Sorry about the carseat! I hate to be trapped at home too!

Rachel said...

Try not to be too hard on yourself...if having PBS on and spending more time on the computer is helping you cope during this extremely stressful time than by all means do what you have to do! The kids won't remember those things when they look back on their childhood and you could be doing way worse things to get you through the day....like drinking!

joolee said...

I've soooooo been there. I don't recall my kids sticking things down my pants, but they do like to poke. and point. and laugh. and cry out in giddy excitement...."I see Mommy's booty crack!" I find that intentional exposure of a booty crack inevitably lightens the mood.

Hang in there.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, gosh, you make me want to laugh and cry at the same time! Give yourself a huge gigantic break! You are in a super difficult situation and you will just get more and more discouraged if you compare your very worst moments with your very best intentions all day long. Ouch! It makes my heart hurt! One of my favorite sayings is, "This too shall pass away" . . . BTW, PBS is great! My developmentally developed child taught himself to read that way. Not everything but lots of impressive things at a very young age.

T and T Livesay said...

Hi Heather!
AM I annoying if I tell you that I wish your posts had dates ... I really like things clearly dated.

I love your honestly -- you of course KNOW that you are not alone -- today I let Lydie put small things like paper clips and bugs in her mouth so that I would not have to listen to her angry scream she does when people tell her no. She has a horrid temper -- and of course we all know that comes from Troy.

Love you! Praying for Asher and all that is to come. Wish we could hug and sit together some more.

Lindsey said...

You are hilarious! I don't know you but I apprecaite your ability to find humor even when you want to cry and pull the covers over your head. We've all been there.

And I love the "talk to me goose" on your comment form. Nice.

Melanie J said...

Oh. Wow.

Uh....you know what? Blogger hates me too. So I'll send you that comopany for your misery.

Hang in there!

P.S. Coolest word verification ever: Cooks. And you did! Popcorn!

BaronessBlack said...

I think I've joined your sisterhood of craziness! We live like this most days! Our only difference is that my son has been through loads of medical tests and is completely healthy but, like Asher, screams ALL THE TIME and hasn't slept more than 4 hours at a time in his whole life (even when medicated!). My mother lost a couple of babies to congenital conditions so is understandably hypersensitive about illness in children. So we're on the rollercoaster, much like you, of having a tough time then resigning yourself to it, then finding out that there is actually something wrong (teething, tummy bug, etc.) then feeling really guilty, then overcompensating, etc. etc.
Really - don't feel bad! Feel the positive and caring vibes coming to you through the blogosphere!

Peanut said...

Oh boy, do I ever have days like these! I have so many days that end with me in a puddle of tears, collapsing in the overwhelming mess, and begging my daughter to let me start over and "let's be friends again" that she has started comforting me whenever I start getting frustrated and asking me to be her friend.
15 months of crying IS a long, long time... I have a sick boy this week and I have had trouble enduring just 5 days of crying!
You've had a hard week. Give yourself some grace. You're doing an awesome job in a difficult situation!
Oh, and don't forget to clean out your pants before you sit down!
((Big Hugs!))

Kelline said...

Hi!

I see your comments on others blogs, so I thought I'd check yours out.

You are an excellent writer. I too know those days.

I wonder if I'll pull all my hair out?

Then I put on Word Girl and hide in the bathroom with a good book........

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Mama needs a BREAK!

I feel like that quite often...

It does do my heart good to hear your kids are acting like freaks, because mine are acting the same way...it's incessant.

Hang in there my friend :)

Abra said...

Oh yes, yes, yes!

The Three 22nds said...

I gotta tell ya...

I read your post earlier today and I laughed because it sounds so much like my days recently. Except the stuff down the pants.

Then a 1/2 hour ago I was washing the floor in the kitchen and guess what? Roman started sticking todys down my pants...

I am glad to be in the club.

Jillene said...

YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!! I love that they were putting thing down yur pants!! HAHAHAHA!! My youngest loves popcorn too and has eaten it for lunch several times!! (0:

Aqua said...

Oh how I felt like this today.
Thank you.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Heather, your day was relentlessly normal. And what is so great about it is that the rest of us feel immediate empathy and we ALL know that on days like this, we're not as alone in it as we might have otherwise thought. So thanks!

Ali said...

i think we had the same day today.

is it bad to play hide and go seek and count for a really long time while your kids are hiding (like to 100)? Is it bad to hide with your laptop in a really difficult hiding place just so that you can have a couple of extra minutes?

just checking.

hang in there!

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who using the Internet as her drug of choice. :-) (Or PBS. But that's another story.)

Hang in there! We ALL have days like that. Try to turn off the computer tomorrow and just FOCUS on the life in front of you. I've done that this week (as much as possible, anyway), and it's made a difference.

Melanie said...

Whew. Glad I'm not the only one living like this. :) I don't think it's funny when it's MY day, but you wrote it so well it made me laugh.

Tomorrow will be better. (It HAS to be, that's the pep talk I usually give myself.)

And even though some, well most, days don't feel like it, God doesn't give us more than we can handle with HIM.

Betty said...

Heather I just love your blog. Your thoughts so often resonate my own. I also hate small talk, think to much, struggle with anger and am not good at asking for help when I should. I'm so glad Jess led me to the EO. I am going to faithfully pray for your little Asher. I can't imagine the struggle of seeing your lil' guy with so many obstacles so early in his life. (he's such a cutie, by the way) You may not think so but you sound like an "extraordinary" momma and you inspire me with your honesty. I love that you dig below the surface.

Motherboard said...

First off, I laughed manically at the stuffing stuff down your pants...

Then the damn sippy cup-lid-stealing monster! YES! He lives here too! Get the pitchforks!

PBS at my house is the 3rd parent. Actually TV is the third parent. God bless the third parent!

I'm sorry you had a crap-tastic day. If I lived closer, I would have brought you one of my many cookie encrusted car seats to borrow so you go for a road trip... but alas, MN is just too dang far.

And, its snowing. I hate snow.

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

I just really hope you're weekend gets better. Sounds like everyone has a bad case of cabin fever, in addition to Asher's headache and Miles just being a normal 3 year old. Stop beating yourself up, okay? You are doing a great job considering what's on your plate right now. If blogging helps, blog away.

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