12/1/08

Let's do this...

I'm thankful that Asher is about to get some relief. More thankful than I can say. But I'm also finally allowing myself to feel, and it's really scary.

Yesterday, the nicest lady I've ever talked to called and gave me careful directions so we could find our way to the right part of the hospital tomorrow. She gave me a whole lot of instructions and gently prepared me for what Asher might look like after the surgery. Then she apologized for her next question, carefully choosing her words to ask if the doctors should do all they can to save Asher should something happen to go wrong.

Yes.

During that call, I had the sinking feeling that hits you in the gut when you finally realize something is actually going to happen, whether it's comfortable or not, and you don't know if you can do it. I started to allow the anxiety to rise in my chest. I could hear the neurosurgeon's voice in my head from the last appointment...

We'll go in through the back of his brain and tunnel down to the base...then the tube that drains his spinal fluid will be tunneled through to his abdomen... you'll be able to see it through his skin and there will be a bump where the shunt is...it will only last for about five years and then we'll need to do this again...

Oh. This is really happening.

Last night I watched as Asher stumbled across the room like a drunken sailor, a guy new to walking (with a heavy noggin to make it a bit more difficult). He came over and pushed on my thigh and repeated "Mama" non-stop until I looked down. He was standing there holding up some Spiderman sunglasses, his way of asking me to put them on his little cherub face.

I placed them carefully over his eyes and he turned to teeter away, talking gibberish and making his way to show Daddy his new shades.

The thought of losing him passed through my head for just a moment, but something else welled up just in time, engulfing my anxiety in peace.

That peace is something that's hard to wrap my mind around. How is it there in spite of me and my busy, ruminating mind? How does it push up through the dirt that is the sorrow I lean toward, blooming and covering me in a mysterious protection?

Even when I fight it, run from asking for it, and retreat into old habits of worry and denial. Even then. Like a stubborn mother who refuses to let her child hurt alone, almost always in the morning, it arrives. I breathe easier, I see the goodness around me more clearly, and my heart is prepared for something I would otherwise not hold the strength to handle.

Then I'm able to walk through my feelings of helplessness and lack of control. I'm able to face what might crush my heart as a mother, seeing her baby in danger and pain. I'm left to think "we can do this," and I want to shout, "I can feel your prayers, they're surrounding me! I know it's true, or I would not be able to move!"

That peace is in the deepest part of even a broken creature like me. It amazes me. It laughs in the face of unbelief and brings me closer to a full confidence in my faith. I'm no theology expert, but I am an expert in my own experience. This impossible peace must come from a God who loves me. A God who loves my Asher. I know this because it's a miracle that takes place right here in my own heart and mind. I'm so thankful.


I will do my very best to update you all tomorrow by posting how Asher is doing. If I can't do it, I will ask a friend to get in here and post on my behalf. I want to do that because I can't express enough to you how much it means that you care, that you're thinking of us, and praying for us. I DO want to shout, "I FEEL YOUR PRAYERS!"

(So picture me doing that,
mkay? Like a crazy lady, standing in the street with my hands cupped over my mouth. That sort of thing...)

50 clicked right here to comment:

K and/or K said...

I am going to be praying for your little cherub!!!

Can I picture you as a crazy lady in the street like Jennifer Love Hewiit on "I know what did last summer"? Ok, thanks!

Sabrina said...

Oh heather... Im just in tears right now... I just have so much compassion for that little boy of yours... And I know that God is good and I know that things will go exactly as they should. But I am sending out my love to you. For peace, for skilled and kind surgeons, for grace.
I will spend my day praying.

happygeek said...

I will be praying.

Lisa @ Take90West said...

That beautiful boy is going to make it through all this just fine. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I know it will be a hard day but I almost think the waiting of today and the not knowing what's to come is worse. At least tomorrow, you have action. And relief when its over!
Good luck :)

(Just wait until his head is not heavy anymore and he will be tearing around the house with his new found, nimble self!!)

Rachel said...

God will keep giving you the strength you need to get through this. I will pray that His peace will continue to sustain you every moment in the days to come. Prayers are being sent out for you, your family, and little Asher.

The Mom said...

Heather, my thoughts and prayers will be with you and Asher and the surgeon.

Kristina P. said...

Heather, I am thinking of you and praying for you.

LisAway said...

I'm really thankful for that God who loves you and your Asher, you know that? I'm so glad you've put your trust in him. That way nothing can go wrong. Wrong is no longer an option. Faith is big stuff.

Very best hopes and wishes. And my prayers are with you too, of course.

Melanie J said...

I have paused many times in the last several days at random moments to offer a prayer for you and Asher. My life experiences have taught me that we can totally feel the prayers and hopes of others so I know that you'll be carried through your challenge tomorrow on a sea of other people's prayers for you, wrapped in your blanket of peace.

radioactive girl said...

I am thinking good thoughts for your entire family. I can't wait to read good news here.

I think I told you about the little girl in my class when I was teaching Kindergarten. She was the happiest little girl even though she had to have surgery every once in a while to repair the shunt (or not really repair it...whatever they were doing...when she grew they needed to lengthen it or reposition it or something). Anyway, that is all I keep thinking when I think of you and your little baby. A happy healthy life after this surgery.

Heidi Ashworth said...

You amaze me! You can be so eloquent in the face of such worry and possible danger. I am so grateful that you can feel the prayers and feel the peace. I am not one of those who will say that everything will be "fine" because I know better (in general--not specifically!) that often things aren't "fine". But, they will be "right". For people of faith, things go "right". My nephew's little girl had a sugery to increase the size of her skull so that it wouldn't squish her brain (she has microcephaly) and she did look kind of awful for a while but the little ones bounce back so fast! I'll be on the edge of my seat waiting to hear all is well.

MidnightCafe said...

Oh, Heather, I know the feeling, lady...all those feelings: the anxiety, the possible loss, the peace, the painful love we have for our children, the miracle moments when the fear and anxiety are gone for no reason at all...except that we serve the Prince of Peace. That Prince is watching out for you & your Asher. We will pray. When I'm home from Bible Study, I'll light a candle.

JustRandi said...

I love how your post shows so much faith. And real struggling-a-little-bit-but-not-really faith. Not the fake kind.

I'll be praying for you and Asher today and tomorrow.

God's plan is always better than our plans. You can feel safe letting Him handle this.

(hugs)

Becky said...

Hello, friend. I hope tomorrow goes well and passes quickly.

Keep up that faith; I'll be praying for your family.

Brillig said...

Oh my gosh, Heather. I'm just now rejoining the blogging world and I've just caught up on all your posts. I'm blown away by all the stuff you're dealing with. Wow.

I can't imagine being asked that question that the nurse had to ask you. What a horrifying thing to have to think about.

Wishing you all the very best-- I'm eager to hear your news. And yes, I hope you feel my prayers, because I promise that I'm saying them.

Brooke said...

I'm praying for you and my heart is with you. I will be thinking about you. I can't wait to hear how he's doing.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Much love to you!

Jenn said...

My little one and I will be praying like crazy for you and little Asher tomorrow.

May the peace that passes understanding be your portion.

Blessings!!

Jenn :)

Sarah said...

I can't even imagine the feelings you've got flowing through you right now... okay, I CAN imagine them, and it's making me all upset! My prayers and thoughts are with you and little Asher.

Keyona said...

Ok girl. You can do this. You have all the prayers and good thoughts around you. Be strong for Asher. He will be ok. This will be ok. I'll be thinking and praying all night and all day. Keep us posted hun.

Growin' with it! said...

isaiah 26:3

much love (& prayer) to you and your sweet boy,
linda

Kazzy said...

I can barely see the comment box through my teary eyes. I will be thinking of you on your big day. I know the Lord will take good care of you both (along with the rest of the gang, but mom and patient are in need of a special closeness). Your faith is a shining example to all of us who rad your blog.

BaronessBlack said...

Sending you prayers and sustaining thoughts.

Eowyn said...

Wow. I'm praying for you as well. I'm so glad you feel this peace.

Leslie said...

Praying for you!

Peanut said...

I am so happy/pleased/relieved to hear about that you are experiencing. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

You should know that the praying and bible searching for YOU has led to a new level of peace for ME. And a renewed sense of God's hand in my life. I keep coming back to Phillipians 4:4-8, not only for you, but also for the things that I am dealing with in my life.

I pray that Jesus will carry you through the next few days.

Laurie said...

Prayers and peaceful thoughts are being sent your way!

Baby Tunnel Exodus said...

What a beautiful way to describe the Peace That Surpasses All Understanding! Even from a different set of stresses, I completely empathize and agree - He Is So Faithful to us! And the prayers of many have convinced more than a few of us to put our feet on the floor each morning. Who knew the blogosphere could connect Heaven to Earth? He did.

Praying praying praying for your family tonight, tomorrow and beyond. If you need ANYthing don't hesitate to hollar.

Love & (((HUGS))), Whit

Elizabeth said...

You can do this! I am so thankful for your good attitude and the peace you have through this. I know it's hard to be positive, yet you are.

Please keep us updated if you can, but don't worry if you can't. I know that many of us are praying for Asher, you and your entire family.

The Three 22nds said...

We prayed for you tonight at bedtime, and Deacon has big plans for a special gift for Miles and Asher.

How long are you going to be in? I work Saturday.

Erin said...

Of course we are praying for you and Asher. And we are all sending positive mental thoughts to you and the surgeon. We love you!

RosyRose said...

Oh Heather, I will pray for you now and tomorrow. What a beautiful post. I think it's one of your best ever...
I just felt chills run up and down my spine as I read. From one mom to another I can say I know the intense love you have for that little boy!
May the peace you have already experienced continue to flood your soul as you wait....

Kim said...

(((((((((HUG)))))))))))

That Girl in Brazil said...

My heart dropped through to my toes when I read that question in the first line.

Prayers are real, tangible things - and thousands are headed your way.

Mrs. Dunbar said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. Just know that we are praying for you and Asher and your whole family. Thanks for your honesty. Keep us posted.

minnesotamom said...

And all my little mind can think to shout back at you right now is "What a mighty God we serve!"

Praying, dear Heather. May God continue to give His blessed peace.

The Mama's said...

I am so glad you are feeling that peace in the midst of this. Praying for you.
Kristen

charrette said...

And suddenly I find myself at a loss for words. Let me echo Melanie, Heidi, Kazzy, and That Girl in Brazil. Oh, and Baby Tunnel Exodus. They all said it better than I could. I have been thinking about you off and on all day today, and for the past several days. Praying every single day, and at random moments besides. I am so glad you can feel the prayers and the peace. I know they're real. And I know they're from God. You will be carried. Tomorrow I will pray specifically that the doctors are guided in their every move, that Asher is safe, protected, comfortable, and that you receive strength from a power beyond your own.

Debbie said...

Heather, we will continue to pray until you all are home and happy together.

Blessed said...

Here are some more prayers for you and Asher too...

Pam said...

How amazing that you can minister to US in this time with your beautiful testimony.
Praying for you this very moment!

Heather said...

Heather,
I am encouraged and inspired by you and your writing. I'll have you in mind and prayer today, and will be watching for updates.

Good Luck! You're almost to the other side of this!

radioactive girl said...

Thinking about you right now, and thinking good thoughts!

joolee said...

Praying for peace and a speedy recovery for your adorable lil boy.

PsychMamma said...

Thinking of all of you!

Amy said...

So many prayers to you and yours. And then even more.
I wish you all the best!

a Tonggu Momma said...

It's my turn to pray for you now! And I will. Hang in there and know that God is in control -- even in control of the doctor's hands. Your beautiful little boy will come out of this a healthy and happy child with a story to tell (when he can talk beyond a babble).

Mike said...

Thank you for sharing Asher's and your story with us. We will all be praying for all of you...

katy (aka funny girl) said...

Prayers and blessings for an easy, speedy recovery. Children are AMAZINGLY resilient. You'll be very surprised.

And I know this isn't the time, but "talk to me goose"? Hilarious.

Brillig said...

Thinking of you...

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