In which I test your attention span

Posted on Saturday~April 4, 2009

"Anybody who is honest will admit that they have times when they know they're not being the mother they wish they would be. But, to dwell on mistakes is simply wasting time. We move on...learning, growing, improving, and loving our children to the best of our abilities."

-blueviolet

I should just fill my posts with the things you guys say. Seriously, I've been IN LOVE with your comments on these mothering posts. There are so many wise and lovely moms out there. Thank you.

Today I'm going to share a little more of my personal mom journey, and how Debbie's advice (which I've mentioned in the last two posts) helped steer me back to the place I was going.

We're all just as different as mothers as we are as people. So I don't think Debbie's advice will suit every person. We all have different ways of doing this, and I think it's pretty common for us to get so tired that we forget to mother how we'd like, and then we feel bad. So sometimes we just need to stop and get back on course, leaving the guilt behind.

Debbie's advice suits me for the following reasons:

- I have Attention Deficit issues. Big time. I walk around in circles in my house a lot. All day.

- I struggle with mood issues. Big time. If left bored and unstructured, I get mopey and mean.

- My kids are still very young, they don't occupy themselves at all. Ever.

- Asher is...um...high maintenance. (love him to pieces)

- Miles is and has always been busy beyond the norm. (just ask my friends how much he talks and moves, they'll tell you it's off the charts) (love him to pieces)

- My husband is out of town for work generally every other week, usually Monday-Thursday. (love him to pieces)

- My boys like to wake up anywhere between 5 and 6 am, and I'm not the best sleeper in the first place = sleep deprivation.

- Not much support = much Minnesota Winter isolation = crazy everyone.

OK, you get the idea. Those are my major obstacles. They are the things that make it really hard for me to "mom-it" the way I would like.

Every mom has a list like this. We need to look at it every once and awhile and first of all, let it remind us that we can't feel guilty. Who would be able to keep being calm, happy, patient, etc. with lists like this? These are the things written on our walls. You know, the ones we see after we hit the wall. We sit on the ground and look up at it and say, "Oh yeah. I don't suck, that stuff sucks."

We'll never rise above it all perfectly, that's impossible, but there are ways to survive and maybe even be more content.

When I got Debbie's email, I remembered what used to work for me before I got all distracted and exhausted from the last year or so with Asher's surgery and such. As she described how she got through those early years with twins and two other small people, I was reminded of how I'd like to handle these years.

Because what I've been doing lately. It just ain't working.

What have you been doing, Heather?

Uuuum, nothing:

-We haven't been getting out of the house nearly enough. We're stir crazy, sick of each other, grumpy and rude. All three of us.

-My kids have been watching FAR too much TV. It became a crutch during Asher's colic and then shunt surgery, etc. (please don't get me wrong, I think there are certain seasons where it's entirely acceptable to survive by PBS. Like sickness, and difficult pregnancies, etc. But we don't have any of that going on right now.)

- I've been on the computer far too much. Far too much. This is another thing that changed during all the stress, it was my contact with the outside world and my support. But now it's just a habit like any other, too much of a good thing.

- I rarely take breaks. RARELY. When I do, it's for about three hours or less. I come back feeling like it wasn't long enough. I have trouble asking for help. Dumb. (Remember, we don't even have a sitter! I've yet to look for one. Dumb.)

- I've been so impatient, frustrated, playing the martyr and acting like a big freak. Especially over things like writing on the walls, and breaking stuff, and pouring out all the soap, and....

I don't' like it. They don't like it. We need a change.

For me it isn't so much about giving my kids some sort of cultured learning experience every day. I don't feel guilty about that. They're little. They learn by watching ants on the sidewalk or finding shapes in the clouds.

And I don't need to feel guilty about not wanting to play cars for hours on end. The kind of "truly present" I want to be is...wait for it....happy to be with them. I can feel frustrated here and there, even often, but I don't want to feel it all.the.time. Our current lifestyle has put me in a funk that can only lead me to consistent impatience, intolerance, and frustration.

In short, I don't want to have my insides jump out of my skin if Miles asks me a question while I'm trying to fold laundry, put the dishes away, or type a flippin' blog post.

As Debbie shared the things that she did with her kids when they were small, I realized that each thing she mentioned responded to something on that list above. It might seem simple, but it was just exactly what I needed at this particular time. I don't think that's a coincidence.

What did she do, Heather?

Here are some excerpts from her email:

"I read every newspaper I could and scouted out any and everything that looked like a mother might be there. Children's concerts - we were there. I took them to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe at a fancy theater. At those ages! Storytellers, yep we were in the front row. And we never, ever, ever missed story time at the library. Sometimes we went to both each week.

Then I started a playgroup at our local park. Friday mornings at 10. Gosh, we went for years and years and you know what, they still meet! Whoever wanted to come came. Once word got out, mothers came out of the woodwork. And sometimes we would go to McD's for lunch or sometimes just hang out there. It was a Godsend.

We ate "picnic" food at home most days for lunch - outside on a blanket if we at all could. No dishes! Heck. You can live a long, long time on PB and crackers, cheese, and fruit. So that took care of dishes.

Here's another thing we did which is rather controversial but I swear, it saved me. We unplugged when my oldest were 3. Completely. No TV at all. Yes, at first they missed the drug. But then it got easier and easier. And they learned to love books. Adore books. It was my saving grace. They would "read" by themselves or better yet, curl up next to me for hours (no exaggeration) for me to read to them. Nice quiet time. I am sure it wouldn't work with every family, but we consider it to be the smartest thing we ever accidentally did!

I also made the house as "mother tantrum proof" as possible. I owned nothing breakable within their reach. I turned three full kitchen cabinets over to them for art supplies (they are still in use). And I made the lower cabinets all plastic wear, which they drug out each and every day then proceeded to sit in the cabinets.

And later, I hired a local boy who was 9 to be my "mother's helper" after school a day or two a week. I gave him a dollar I think. (That was before inflation) . He stayed in the house or the yard with them and just played with them so I could cook, or fold laundry, or read the newspaper. Kids that age love a little money and responsibility. And I was right here so I felt safe doing that.

(She also said that I'm her favorite person in the whole world, but I left that out.)
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I want to be content in this season and I think that's possible. I don't have to like everything about it, but to rise above, I need to take care of our days and myself. That's really hard in this day and age, everything moves so fast, everyone doing it their own way, on their own. But I want to try.

There are certainly times when doing all of the above is nearly impossible, but we're not currently in one of those seasons. It really was Winter in so many ways, and we hunkered down and watched the messes and the grumpies pile up around us. But I feel Spring coming, in so many ways...and I'm so relieved. We will go out, we'll leave the messes behind, and simply enjoy each other. No, it won't make anything perfect, just better. And better is good.

Debbie, thank you for taking the time to share what you thought might be too much information. It wasn't. It was just right. We've been in a really hard place. Thank you.

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Moms, I encourage you to take a look at your wall, your list of obstacles and difficulties. Not to dwell on them, but to recognize them. Then think about practical things you can do to make life a little happier, or maybe just a bit more survivable (that's totally a word.) Do you need a sitter? A weekend to yourself? 14 personal assistants? To shut the TV off more often? To eat more picnic lunches so there aren't dishes? To ____________? You fill in the blank. You deserve to feel good about you and your choices. They're different for all of us, and when we stop thinking there's nothing that could help, we see we have some options.

So Heather, are you going to unplug the computer and the TV AND hire a sitter?

It's not quite even close to warm here in my beloved Minnesota, but I do plan to unplug the TV when it does turn to Spring. As for the computer, I highly doubt I'll have as much time for it when we can get outside more, but when I do, I plan to keep using the timer. So there. (Feel free to check in on this with me, I'll feel much better if I stick to it.) Oh! And the sitter...I'll try. I'll finally sit down with my good friend, the computer, and search out options. Finally.

OK then. Um, if you made it through this post, you don't have ADD like me :)

The End.