Thursday~July 2, 2009

Sometimes there's just no better word than gross. I feel it. The gross.

I'm acting like a pouty teen around my husband, flustered around my children, and overwhelmed by every little duty around me.

I was totally distracted by some new writing opportunities yesterday, and shot off to bury my nose in the screen, pounding fingertips on the keyboard. This is what I do a lot when Ryan comes home. I plant myself in this place and something in me tells me I'm simply claiming my time, a little piece of me that is just for me rather than more giving and giving and giving. But I know that sometimes I spend far too much time here.

Ugh, the fight for balance.


Then Asher stood on the bench of the small table in our backyard and from his cry I knew how bad the fall was. Ryan was calling for a cold cloth and I knew there would be blood. Gross. His tooth had gone through his bottom lip. We went into the mode, the one where our insides are flopping and flipping, but we seem calm with easy movements and soft, comforting words. He didn't need stitches, the cut on the outside was very small and the nurse that I called said that means no stitches. Good. Now his little lip is fat and my guilt is rearing it's ugly head. Oh how my heart hurts when they do.

No, it makes no sense to think that one had to do with the other. I know my escaping had nothing to do with his falling, it's just that when you know there's something gross and unfocused going on in you, you feel misplaced guilt. Or I do, anyway.

I don't need to be told I'm a good mother. I know I'm a good mother. I know it's not my fault. I just feel gross. Some days (and days and days) are like that. All itchy and off and gross. These days pass and then they show up again, that's just life.

Sometimes it's gross. And that feeling reminds me to stop and breathe and pray, forgiving myself and all that is gross. That's the only way I know to get the gross to scram.

30 clicked right here to comment:

Kim said...

I've never used gross in this context, but I hear ya!

D said...

Oh, I get that gross feeling a lot. It's hard to balance the needs in a family. But I guess life is about trying to figure out how.

Kristina P. said...

I hope the grossness goes away!

Ryan said...

Gross.... I have days like that. Where I constantly feel pulled in a direction I don't want to go... and it makes me feel dumb that I don't... but I don't want to!

I hope the little guy's lip gets better soon.

Jen said...

I think that gross is a perfect way to explain it. And I know feeling gross all to well.

Keyona said...

We've all felt gross at one point or another. It'll go away soon enough.

Kazzy said...

Or a gross unorganized mass of stuff around the house, or a messy car, or forgotten appts that have me running around and ticked off at myself. Gross, gross, gross!

Kimberly said...

I so identify with this. I still remember the sick feeling I felt over having been reading a book when Emma slammed the door on Becca's pinky finger and she had to be rushed to hospital. I don't know that there's any escaping it. I think that gross feeling kind of comes with the territory. Luckily its counterpoint is joy.

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Oh do I get the gross... Yes I do.

I get overly excited about new writing opportunities - have had some myself lately - and in the midst of burying myself in my computer my boys were all vying for my attention. When they didn't get it they were - you know, gross. Then I was gross... and it kind of escalated from there.

Yep, I get it.

Lara said...

I've had the gross quite a bit lately. It is really hard to find a balance. Your last paragraph sums it all up so well. Forgive yourself and move on. Excellent.

Annette Lyon said...

Well put. I'm feeling pretty gross right now too actually.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I remember the night we decided to let the little guy cry it out at bedtime. He was about 14 months and was just tall enough to put his chin on the crib rail. I heard him crying very hard but decided to ignore it--when I went to check on him after he fell asleep, there was blood everywhere--even in his ear! He had actually managed to bash his upper lip on the crib and it literally cut that little bit of skin that goes between your upper lip and the gum--when it is unattached, let me tell you, that thing is LONG! Anyway, talk about guilt! But, he doesn't remember it and it pretty much healed itself (saliva is amazing stuff). Kids just want to be loved and will forgive over and over and over again as long as they are getting the good stuff along with the accidental stuff.

Muthering Heights and Other Senseless Sensibility said...

I've been feeling the same way recently...you're not alone!

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Carrie said...

I totally get where you're coming from - I feel this a lot. And, yeah, it's when I'm not focused in the right place. Or when my house isn't clean (um, right now I feel like it's never been clean & never will...) but I know after camp's over I'll get around to cleaning it. :) Hope you & Asher feel better soon! :)

charrette said...

That fight for balance has always been the bane of my existence. Lately it seems like I've had a whole chain of gross days...interspersed with lovely moments. :)

Thank you for the reminder to pray. That is a great antidote to grossness.

Tooj said...

Gross is gross. :) And you'll be fine. Sorry to hear about baby boy. He most likely forgot he had a fat lip ten minutes after the tears subsided....so keep claiming some time. I'm beginning to come around and see that I need to do that too. I've had some really weird personal "inner" experiences/thoughts lately....I need to unleash them and feel BETTER. You do the same. Happy Thursday.

Kerri said...

I like using "gross." You're right...those days that just seem endless and off and not quite right, where things go poorly, but mostly my spirit just feels yucky. Gross. I used to think I could fix those days if I just found the right ingredient. Now I mostly just tell myself to endure them. I try to let us all have a little break on those days...more reading time, more TV, more outside time. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, but I figure you're right...you can never go wrong with prayer.

Luisa Perkins said...

I had a gross day yesterday, too. But today has been better, thank heaven.

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

The gross feeling is a good feeling... It serves as a little Jiminny Cricket reminding us to find that balance. If it's not there it's possible we let our selves have too much of something and forget the more important things. Then we're off-balance. That's even more GROSS! :-)

Mommy Mo said...

Me too.

Kimberly said...

I totally get what you're saying. And OF COURSE you being on the computer did not result in his fat lip but OF COURSE you feel guilty because it happened when you were doing something for YOU. And if you don't do things for you, do you know what happens? You lose your shit. Which is much worse than a fat lip.


Debbie said...

It is that darn guilt we feel. And we can't stop every bad thing from happening. But that doesn't mean we don't want to.

Mary @ Parenthood said...

Almost completely relate to this... Almost because I don't think we have a "mode" - I guess we'll find out the first time Elizabeth does something like that. My husband usually faints at the sight of blood and I tend to lose my head in an emergency. Don't ask how I know this, but I'm the only person I know who has severed a tendon making cookies.

Priscilla said...

Gross. I like. Or not. I'll have to remember that one.

I hope your little guy feels better soon. Give him lots of frozen fruit bars !!!!!!


Kristen@nosmallthing said...

Do we all feel gross sometimes? I know I do. It happens now and then, and then, like you said, it goes away. I have learned to understand that about me. That it's just a "bad day" and the next day will be so much better. (hopefully.)

Hang in there! I think the vast majority of us (if not all of us) get it.

Hope his little lip is less fat today. :)

Fly Girl said...

Just one of those days (or moments), huh? I feel guilty... a lot... and try to find a balance, but I'm not even close half the time. Yesterday when I sat down to read the paper, I was interrupted about ten times, and I only have one daughter and two dogs to distract me! I did finish the paper, but what was really important? Reading the paper? Probably not. But sometimes we need that little space of time to do our own thing. Don't you think?


Kim said...

Poor little Asher. That Mama guilt will get us every time.

I totally sit myself down when my hubby comes home sometimes. It's my time, he gets his time all day everyday at work. Whatever.

You're right though...there is no better word than gross to describe it.

L.T. Elliot said...

This has been my week. Thank heavens for you, Heather.

Eowyn said...

Uh,yeah. I've done the tooth through the lip thing. My boy will forever have a scar there.

I should send you that post. It's from another life.

Life is life. Thanks for the reminder to shake it off.

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