So much limbo

Monday~November 9, 2009

How can there be no time to cry?

We rushed out the door this morning so our house could be inspected. I drove around with Asher and with the dog climbing all over and her smell climbing all over and went to my Aunt's house. Asher climbed all over her stairs and he can't do stairs because he can't see well without his broken glasses but he just would not stop with the stairs so we left.

We were just in limbo with nothing to do.

We went to get groceries, and I thought about how frustrating it is that we put an offer on a house on Friday night and we still haven't heard anything. Then I bought milk and meat which wasn't that smart because I couldn't put the milk and meat in the fridge because we couldn't go home because of the inspection. I wanted to cry because of Stellan and his heart not working and for all the other kinds of limbo in life that are sometimes too much so you can't breathe, but I was at the grocery store and I hate when I public-cry.

We brought the groceries to the neighbor's house for them to wait in a fridge and I went to get Miles from school, leaving Asher at the neighbor's. I drove past my own house with three strange cars in front of it and strangers in it spending a lot of time and I felt weird.

I wanted to cry about Stellan and the strange things you feel when someone who will be the mom in your house is in it and you don't know her. I wanted to walk in my house like normal but mostly just to tell her that the front room gets the coldest in the winter so maybe they shouldn't use it as her son's bedroom. I wanted to tell her that.

I stopped myself from crying again because I didn't want to look like that crazy mom picking up her son from preschool, all puffy and red in public.

The inspection took nearly an hour longer than it was supposed to so we got home from the neighbor's at nap time but missed lunch so I tried to feed the boys left-overs and they said this is gross and so I said fine be hungry during your nap. Then Asher ran away when I came with a diaper and Miles yelled NO about nap and I thought I might yell too but I bit my lip and fought the tears because I already cried in the morning when we woke up.

I cried when my boys sat with me on the crumply bed while the sun came up and we prayed for Stellan. I answered hard questions and cried because I'm scared for Stellan and I want to hug his Mom. I cried because I'm not sure how to answer the questions. Miles asked over and over if we could go see Baby Stellan in the hospital because he doesn't understand. He also wanted me to email the doctor and tell him to give Stellan a balloon. It starts young, this wanting to fix things. But we were in limbo with nothing to do. But pray. So we did.

I put them down for their naps after a lunch they didn't eat and now I can cry. It's just welling up and spilling over, this pain I feel for my friend and her boy. I can't stand it. So much limbo with nothing to do but blog and pray.

UPDATE:
7:00pm

-Stellan just came out of surgery and it was SUCCESSFUL, you can read about that on his Mama's blog if you'd like.

-We finally received a response to our offer this afternoon, responded, and therefore bought our new home. We're good to go, my friends. We're officially moving at the end of December. (well, OK...pending inspection.) Holy wow.

-Thank you all for your encouraging comments, phone calls, and emails. Really. Thank you. What a difference a few hours and MUCH support can make.