Monday~December 28, 2009

I felt heavy. Heavy footed on the heavy snow. I had dropped the boys off next door. It would be their last visit (as neighbors) with our friends who are family. They would do as they usually do. They would eat lemon cookies and dip them in milk and then maybe they'd play The Lump and The Blue Monster, their made up games that are only for them and our neighbors. I was so glad they could go while I went back to packing boxes. And I was so sad it was the last time until we visit.

I couldn't stop thinking about how much our neighbors mean to us as I walked away. They have been like honest to goodness angel people, gracing our lives with their help and support and wisdom and easy going nearly daily visits with our boys that they love so much.

The tears were gravity, rolling down my face. Heavy.

I couldn't sleep the night before so the day was harder than it already was and I just felt so many things. It was exhausting, all of the lifting of heavy things and in and out and in and out of the house where we brought our babies home, saying goodbye and then trying not to think about the enormous task of unpacking in someone's old house that has the title of "new house" for us.

So my feet and my heart were heavy while I walked and breathed the crisp air, trying to stop the gravity tears so I could get back to work.

Right then the softest and fluffiest kind of snow started to fall so I stopped and watched it, lifting up on small gusts of wind and swirling, all light and defying gravity with a little help from gusts of wind.

That's what people have been doing for me, they have been the lift to my heavy, these people I love. Poof. And their gust will pick me up. We're here for that, I think. We're all plummeting so much of the time and then we swirl around and if we try, our goodness creates enough of a breeze to lift someone else higher and lighter, even if for just one very needed moment.

We give each other breaks from gravity...

I was rambling and venting and saying that I'm scared. I was saying how the unknown is just so big sometimes. I was saying that I'm fighting the fear and it's hard. Then my brother-in-law said that this move into the unknown means that we're really living because we felt a pull to move and we acted on it even though there's the inevitable unknown involved. And the way he said that, really living, made me feel less heavy.
. . .

One of my oldest friends said it best when she said that she feels good about what we're doing because we're not running from anything, we're just building something new together. I liked that. When she said it while we drove toward our new city, I held the phone a little closer and thanked her for easing my mind, giving me a gust of wind to lift me for awhile.

. . .

Last night we finished unloading the huge moving truck and I stood there so glad that people had come to help. I was a bit in awe at how fast a whole house of known things was sitting in this new foreign place. I was thankful and completely overwhelmed at the same time, looking around at what seemed to be a completely impossible task. I felt so heavy with tired and I said all of it to my Dad. Then he said that I needed to come to their house and sleep because everything looks different when you've had some sleep. You might as well start tomorrow and you might as well enjoy it because either you enjoy it or you don't.


Lighter. I choose enjoy it.

. . .

On our last night out together before I moved to another place, my dear friend Kate told me how her boy who's eight said the most insightful and profound thing. After a long evening of getting himself into trouble for not listening and acting out, he said, I know Mom, I know. But sometimes it's like I'm fighting to stay on the ground and there's no gravity.

Yes. It feels like that always, doesn't it? Especially if we forget to focus not on ourselves so much but on other people. Like the people in my life have been doing, schlepping our things from house to house and saying the right thing at the right time.

Gravity with its push-pull, always making us fight for balance. To think straight and do right and listen and try harder to be positive.

Without stopping to see all the love and goodness, like taking a moment in the flurries, I'm gravity tears. Too heavy.

I want to get settled and then I want to remember this, the way people have been my gusts. And then I want to do a little more swirling around of my own, lifting up the gravity fighters around me.

. . .

P.S. I want to say a BIG FAT EXTRA SPECIAL thank you to my parents:

Nanny and Bapa,

You guys rock. You have been lifting us (and all of our many things) for days now (and my whole life). We love you and we thank you and we're Asher is so glad you always have gum.
Oh! And thank you for letting me use your internet until we have our very own. My brain was about to explode and it really needed a blog post. Your new computer is very nice.

Love you both so muchly,

44 clicked right here to comment:

~love said...

oh my goodness, yes. may i be a gust to someone. everyday. that just might be my goal in the coming decade.

i was thinking of you tonight as i cleaned the kitchen. good to hear you. i thank nanny & bapa, too!

Chief said...

so well said as usual.

I try to be someones gust in their time of need and I hope I am not the cold air that deflates their balloon.

I am so glad that you have such a wonderful network of people to push you upward and onward.

Enjoy the journey.

remember, moving water is healthy. stagnant water is think with moss.

The Fritz Facts said...

Having those gusts is what makes you strong, and yes they keep you up.

I have been thinking of you, hoping that things went as okay as they possibly could.

Many hugs, and many thoughts of happiness as you go through tomorrow and the coming days.

Boy Crazy said...

Oh Honey. You're almost through it. I've been thinking of you and can't wait to see you!

And because I can't help it, I'm just going to say that now I have Defying Gravity in my head. ;) (From Wicked. I really can't help it. My SIL was Glinda on Broadway, the song is a familiar one.)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

That was such a great post. I have been thinking about that too...who lifts you up when you need it. It seems that when things are the hardest is when people come and rescue you. At least that's what I am finding out...it's good.

L.T. Elliot said...

These are the words I've been trying to find. Gravity. Sometimes I feel just like that little boy--I can't stay on the ground, there just isn't any gravity.

I'm so glad you've been lifted by other's gusts. You lift so many, so often.

Sabrina said...

Dearest Heather,

I am so happy for you and your BIG move. Why is moving so awful though? Even if it is a move that is wanted? I know soon you will be settled into your new home, with your new memories and new EO moments. And everything will be peachy. I remember when you came over and helped me unpack my new house. I was happy to own a home, but I hated the thought of unpacking. You were so nice and cheery. You made me laugh and you discovered all my broken glasses. I still think of you when i see my uneven numbered set. Someday when you look back the heaviness will be gone and you will only think of the happy moments and the lovely faces that helped lighten the load.
Love you and I can't wait to come visit you soonly! :)

Christy said...

Awww best of luck getting a few good night's sleep in a row. It makes a world of difference, doesn't it. Moving is always so sad...even if our new home is where we're meant to go and it's a good thing. Good luck settling in!!!

Corinne said...

Can you thank your parents too for all of us? I think there are several who've been waiting for a Heather post! :)

Welcome Home Heather. Your words will be with you wherever you go, as will your strength, courage, and gusts.

kirsten said...

I love the idea of being a gust for someone - the momentary lift that takes them away from the downward pull, and changes direction. Things may continue downward, but in that brief instant a gust was what was needed to re-direct.

Extending that, I also love the idea that we are each other's gusts - that in our communities we lift up each other, so that one day I am my neighbors gust, and the next day my friend from the next block is my gust. We are a veritable snowstorm of encouragement, and for this we can be grateful for the storm. :)

Congrats on moving forward, on growing together, and embracing the future. It'll get better!

Manic Mother said...

Just think, you may meet more lovely neighbors! Or you could end up next to a crazy cat lady, like me...

Glad the move went well! So jealous of you!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I plan to go through the next week striving to be a gust. And I pray your new neighbors are as amazingly wonderful as mine.

You know what's funny - when I was reading this, I kept thinking about my fear of falling. It's not the hitting the ground part that freaks me out; it's the tumbling through space part that makes me freeze up.

sara said...

you know it hurts because you have made such good friends, and those good friends will always be in your life....you just now have the opportunity to make more good friends!!!

I feel so blessed to have all the friends we have made at every stop and so thankful that I never closed my heart to new ones!!!

blessings to you as you unpack and reach out!

Becca said...

Yes. You've got it. Those "gusts" are angel breath, sent to be God's hands in our lives. I hope it feels like HOME, and soon.

warmchocmilk said...

I know. It's so profound that C said that about the gravity. I've been thinking about it ever since you told me too. Such a good description and from an 8 year old boy.. wow. Insightful.

mama-face said...

I totally understand your sentiments. Your snow metaphors were beautiful and your head bursting...wow, do I get that.

The goodness of people can just make you cry. When they help for no other reason than to ease your burden it makes my heart so full. I wish you the very best as your 'journey' continues to unfold. :)

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I hope it gets lighter and lighter for you, Heather.


Kim said...

You have been heavy in my mind and heart this week. I know how hard it is to move from a home and friends that you love.
You are such a gust to those around you that I know you will find new friends soon...but they will never replace the others.
I love you darling.

deb said...

I don't know what to say, but I know I feel thankful that you write.

TKW said...

What a beautiful, heart-wrenching post.

Best of wishes to you on your new journey together!

Haley said...

Here's to new advertures, experiences, lessons, and love in your home.

Hopeing that the new year will bring you all these things and more.

Can't wait to see you again. :-)

Kazzy said...

Good friends ARE family. Shared blood or not. Warm wishes during this transition.

Growin' with it! said...

change is never easy no matter how wonderful it can be. i still miss our neighbors (shh) almost as much as my family. what a blessing to have that in our lives..extended family. and soon you will discover that family is growing with the new neighbors who i just know will love you & your family!

woowoomama said...

this post was beautiful (as yours always are) but i just had to tell you my favorite part was "My brain was about to explode and it really needed a blog post."

i felt this same way the other day after not posting with the holidays and all that and suddenly i took the time to write and it was like -- well i guess it was like my own little gust to myself.

so i just wanted to say that i can relate to not only the heavier parts but to being the kind of person who needs a blog post so i don't explode (or implode).

sending you lots of peace as you settle into your new home. we moved less than two years ago and i will tell you that i took me over a year before i felt like the house was "home." i mean, really really. it was a subtle change but one day i looked around and felt like i had finally more fully landed.

Jen said...

I hope that I can be a gust to someone and lift them up. It is so good to have these people around you.

Kelly @ The Miller Mix said...

You are so eloquent, even while fighting gravity. I, too, want to do more gusting. I think I've just discovered my New Year's resolution.

Also, welcome home.

Kristen@nosmallthing said...

What a beautiful way of thinking about all of this. You always have the most beautiful ways of thinking of things.

Hope you are enjoying your new home. :)

MidnightCafe said...

Wow. I can't believe it's really real. I'm so glad you'll keep writing here, and I'll still get to know what's on your mind and in your heart. (((hugs))) to you and your whole family.

CaJoh said...

Amazing choices of words. So glad that you have people who can lift you up when you feel weighted down.

Hoping that the move goes well. I always say that anything is an adventure. Look at this as an adventure too so that you can enjoy the ride.

D. said...

This post was touching. I am also in awe of the 8 year old's comment...so wise. I am going to keep that one in my mind.
Glad things have come together with you. :)

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Amazing analogy! You really painted your feelings with words in this post! I could feel the heaviness. Praying for you Heather as you take on this new endeavor and make it your own!

Rebecca said...

You're explanation of friends making us lighter describes almost perfectly how my friends have been to me this year.

Thank-you for putting it into words so beautifully.

Many prayers for a blessed life in your new home!

katdish said...

Holy cow, Heather! You're such a good writer. Thank your folks for me as well.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I really have nothing to add. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug.

Jamie @ Six Bricks High said...

Once again, Heather, this is so well written. Your writing just stirs me.

Hänni said...

Gorgeous post Heather. It's wonderful you took time to process, through your writing, what this transition means to you.

Am looking forward to reading about whatever comes your way in the new year. Happy holidays!

wendy said...

I loved how your wrote this --how we as people are the soft little swirls that "lift people up".
you are a good writer
hope you are able to settle in to you new place --new experiences and new memories.
Your old memories will always be there...nestled in your heart

Becky said...

Beautifully said, per usual. What would we do without those angels/friends/gusts who seem to always be there right when we need them?

Good luck in this crazy, exciting, trying time of your life.

Marisa said...

We moved last year and I cried my eyes out as we drove to our new home. I was excited for a new beginning, but mourning what we were leaving behind. Now I can't imagine not being where we are now. This home has felt more like home than any of our other places. I hope you find peace and joy in your new home! I hope adjustment comes quickly and may a few more gusts come your way in unexpected ways!

Tooj said...

Gravity really takes a toll sometimes...those gusts are good for the soul, our feet, and our hearts.

And so often all it takes is a kind word. How simply strange that we rarely think of THAT, first. We try so many other fixes before we just think to be kind.

Sarah said...

This is just absolutely beautiful. Gusts. Gravity. Push and pull. Balance. No balance. Need for balance.

Thank you for the extraordinary.

Ann's Rants said...


So happy for your that the big push is done.

The unpacking and rebuilding will be easier.

at least physically. ;)

see you soon!

kanishk said...

I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big .

Work from home India

alita said...

Your move is inspiring. It is bittersweet in so many ways, but a fantastic journey into the unknown. We have decided to put our condo up on the market. I have the desire to move because the 4 of us have outgrown our cozy first home.

Your comparison to gravity was literally moving. Back in November I was thinking about the love of my husband and how it is the gravity in my life. I wrote a poem for my blog and you may like it (but you may not) It is simply called Gravity.


Read if you would like. Your blog is tender and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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