and I was struck with this awful thought.
Motherhood did not change me for the better.
Yeah, maybe not. Maybe motherhood
and it's repetitive sameness and overwhelming emotions
sent me spinning and I chose
to cope with that in damaging ways...
That may be the hard truth
but there's another one,
a truth in the moments I have been clinging to all along.
No. Motherhood didn't change me
in the ways that I hoped it would,
my boys sure are.
They are my teachers of joy and kindness,
my little mentors on how to love.
And that, is what I'm going to choose to think about.
These beautiful boys are changing me with who they are,
even when motherhood is not and until it does.
Mothers are coping everywhere and not talking about it.
What I wrote above is not implying that my boys are the reason I drank, but my mothering days played their part indeed. I've recognized that my drinking took a turn, spiraled to a deeper dependency, when I became a mother. Like I said, that's a hard reality, but a reality all the same.
The truth remains that my boys are the best thing that has ever happened to me. The daily grind is not. Learning to find time for ourselves that is healthy is at the core of the mystery that is finding the balance in motherhood. I don't know that this mystery can ever actually be solved, but there's some freedom in accepting its imbalance. In the daily grind, we handle that imbalance with care or we don't, those are the only two options. When we don't handle it with care, we end up simply coping. I'm on a new journey toward handling this inevitable imbalance with more care.
I don't know exactly how to do that, it's foreign to me, but I'm going to try.