I thought about how I need to be stronger to handle this. I can't do this, I thought. Who am I doing this for? I think I'd be drinking if I wasn't worried about what people think. Ugh that's awful, I thought of me. You're so selfish, I said to me. You would drink even though you have these two boys who are being so good to you and this husband who patiently understands you. Really? Who are you doing this for if not for them and you and God? And you're not. You're doing this because you said you would and you don't even want this.
In that moment I hated me. And I put my head down and I was gasping for air and I just kept saying right out loud help me help me help me while pulling up to a liquor store kept popping into my head and so I would squeeze my eyes closed to try to make it go away.
Help me, please come help me, I said.
And then I thought about the rats. How someone told me about a study where the rats were given vodka in their water and they wouldn't touch it, they would rather die of thirst than drink it. And then how they were injected with this long 'T' word I can't remember, a thing that alcoholics have in their brains, and when that 'T' words was in their systems, they were given straight vodka in one bottle and plain water in another and then they drank the vodka until they died. Something outside of them made them alcoholics and then suddenly they wanted to drink and they could not stop.
Somehow this was a comfort to me. Not that the rats would drink themselves to death, that's sad, but the harsh reality of what I'm fighting hit me and I realized I'm not as weak as I feel. I'm doing the very best that I can. I'm a rat trying not to choose the wrong bottle even though everything in me is pulled to what I don't want to be.
This isn't a sob story, this is me telling you that there is no other explanation for my sobriety than a power greater than myself. And that's why today is a new and better day. I am here and I'm sober. I'm not drinking myself to death or to the loss of my loved ones and feelings. I'm sober today and I'm grateful. I really wish the 'T' word was not a part of my life. I would much rather be allergic to cheese than wine. But I'm not. This is my reality and somehow, some way, going through this and telling its story will help someone.
If you are that someone, I want you to know that you are worth every moment with my head down with deep breaths. You are.