5/16/10

Okay


He says, wash mine hands, Mama. So I hoist his nearly three year old booty up to my stomach and we lean in over the sink. The water is shivery cold and so we hurry and he starts to force exaggerated shaking and teeth chattering, dramatizing as he has a tendency to do.

I grab the towel from the oven handle and we wipe wipe wipe together until I can't help anymore because he's got both of his little arms wrapped tightly around one of mine, one of his little legs following suit as he lifts it up off the floor to try to add it to the arm hug party. A chubby cheek presses the side of my wrist and he makes sounds that say he's warming up with my arm's willing assistance. Which is good because the other arm is busy reaching for coffee. My heart is filled with the goodness of he and his brother and their Daddy and at the same time, I feel a bit at a loss today, a loss of nothing but an idea, but a small void all the same.

I completely and totally thought I was pregnant this last week. But I wasn't. And that's okay, while it's also a strange nagging not okay. As anymommy (love her) replied (on Twitter), a negative test result is like an empty ice cream container. Yes. Both cause that heart-fall, that sinking moment of a wish stolen. Different of course, but the same.

Baby lust.

I have that. I really wanted ice cream and it was all gone. And I say that's okay because it's not like this last month was the final chance in all of eternity. And I say that's okay because these days, everything really is okay. Even if it's awful or hard, in the end it will be okay. Baby or no baby, disease or no disease, obstacle or no obstacle, pain or no pain...

Knowing that's true makes it okay to lust after a hopeful seed in your heart, even if you aren't sure if you're going to get what you want.

So I can still have faith that we just may get what we're pining after, desiring, while feeling that peace that reminds me that even if we don't, our faith and hope won't die with that dream. That they will stick around because they are in a shivery arm hug and in the greenest grass and the robin's blue eggs and a hearty chuckle and a full container of ice cream.

And after the arm hugging, my boy sat with wooden train tracks, struggling to construct the thing that he wanted most, lines of connection that go round and round. He was frustrated, getting half of them upside-down. I caaan't Mama, he said, heeelp meeee. So I did, connecting the pieces in a way I thought was best, even if it wasn't exactly the shape he had hoped for. It will work. And just as he always does, even when things don't turn out how he planned, he sat back and looked and considered and then chose to squeal Yay! while clapping his chubby little hands together. That's just who is, and I'm going to keep trying to be like him.


This post is a part of Five for Ten at Momalom.



36 clicked right here to comment:

Crystal @ Semi-Crunchy Mama said...

Oh -- this brought me to tears. I thought I was pregnant last week, and found out this weekend that it wasn't happening this month. a negative test result is like an empty ice cream container -- what a great metaphor!

Thank you for the bit of hope this post ended with, that it does and will all work out in the long run, even if it's not quite what was planned for.

Jen said...

Oh baby lust. It is so powerful. So emotional. Those negative results so full of disappointment and relief and what ifs. Wonderful post about what might have been. And appreciating what IS.

SuziCate said...

Oh, baby lust. I think that's one of the most powerful urges ever for women. Wo, you tackled a deep subject with beauty and grace. I so love that empy ice cream container analogy.

Amy Whitley said...

Baby lust. Great topic. And beautifully written take on it, as always. Thank you for this on this Sunday morning.

MidnightCafe said...

I could SO picture him climbing your arm, clinging with his own arms and legs...such a familiar mama-image. ;)

Thank you for speaking of faith and desire and the disappointment of the empty ice cream container.

Love you!

rebecca said...

I love that you put fold longing and contentment into lust. I think this is true. The more contentment I have... the more I long for more. Does it mean I'm not happy now? Just the opposite. And it makes me feel alive...the wanting.

I hope there is more than ice cream in your belly in the coming months.

Heather said...

rebecca- YES! Exactly. In finding contentment in the last few months, the longing for more grows. Exactly. Thank you.

C (Kid Things) said...

This was a wonderful post. I can honestly say that I don't have baby lust in that sense, however I do gets pings of nostalgia for the time not too long ago when the little ones I do have were babies.

postmommy said...

Did you jump inside my brain and write a post about me? Because it's like you know exactly what I'm thinking. I also thought I was pregnant this month and then discovered I wasn't. Thanks for sharing.

Rudri said...

The lust for new life - who couldn't fall in love with that? I still get that way when I smell my daughter's blankets - filled with that newborn goodness.

Duane Scott said...

I loved the picture of you and your son. You have a way with words that is powerful. Praying that God will give you what you want in His time.

Aging Mommy said...

Just wonderful, I love how you use the comparison with your son's reactions to things in life not going quite as he planned to talk about how you want to view things. We can learn so much from our children and their lust for everything in life and ability to find joy in the every day things. I know exactly how those negative test results make you feel and as a lover of ice cream, especially Ben and Jerry's I think the analogy your friend made is very apt. But as you say there is time and that means you have hope. There is more ice cream at the store with your name written on it.

Kristen @ Motherese said...

Oh, I hear you, girl. My baby just turned one and already I find myself in his closet, fingering the tiny onesies inside the box full of his newborn clothes.

Thank you for this beautiful meditation on baby lust - and for the wooden train set metaphor: delicious. I have a lot to learn from that and from the boy who does the same in my house.

Kelly said...

I don't have the baby lust, but I have gained the confidence to know that I can wish and hope and dream for things -- powerful things even -- without being crushed under the weight of disappointment when they don't come, or when they come in a package that I wasn't expecting.

I'll be thinking about this as I splash in the pool with my babies today.

Corinne said...

I'm totally in baby lust mode right now (which is ridiculous because we've taken permanent measures to not have a third... talk about one of the worst decisions I made while drinking...) and I truly believe that baby lust is almost worse than anything else.
But... but... you've got the right attitude about it. The right outlook, and your faith that something is bigger than your lust is going to help you so much :) (like in everything else...) gorgeous post!

sara said...

such a range in our ages and yet I can say I feel what you are saying...even now as I am way passed being able to have more children. I see my son graduating this week, look at the picture slide show I have made and that "baby lust" comes back in a flood....my how time moves fast.

bear said...

I remember baby lust --guess that's why I have 5 --even though the last was a total surprise ----but JOY I might add.
what a neat analogy --like looking into the bottom of an ice cream carton. Or like when I go to the fridge for that last piece of dessert I saved for myself, only to find hubby got to it first (tee,hee)

But you are right, not THIS time doesn't mean NOT ever.
I hope your baby dreams come true.

wendy said...

Um, that comment from bear ---was ME. I always forget to see if my hubby has been logged into my computer, and he WAS.
so, ME Me Me ---baby luck

Carrie said...

Aw, I'll be praying for you! I know what it feels like to wait & hope & be denied :( - each month feels like eternity! I hope it happens soon for you!

alita said...

That feeling, baby lust, nips and tucks at me often. Yet I'm okay with not having more than 2. I understand your desire. Yes! It is just like an empty container of ice cream.

~beautyandjoy~ said...

I find when I am in a place of healing the longing for change is almost unbearable - you said it so perfectly.

Ann Imig said...

The ice cream container--perfect analogy.

I hope you get what you want. You deserve it. You do. And so does that baby ;)

deb said...

I'm all goosebumps.
and I'll be hoping for you.

warmchocmilk said...

I want more ice cream too! :)

Kazzy said...

That baby lust takes over your every waking minute. At least, it did for me. But then I realized it was not really my time table. And it has all turned out just right.

Justine said...

I am baby lusting right alongside you. Though our plan is to wait a few more months before trying, I've lately been surrounded by pregnant moms who gave birth the same time as me the first time around, and it's making me REALLY antsy for another. Sleep deprivation notwithstanding.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I'm sorry. Disappointment stinks. In the meantime, eat as much ice cream as you need. :)

Angie said...

Such a powerful post, friend. That our disappointments will be okay... it will all be okay. Clinging to that today for so many reasons. You bless me.

TKW said...

((hugs, friend)) Baby lust...God. It's just a little voice that won't take "no" for an answer.

Ali said...

"our faith and hope won't die with that dream" -- I really appreciate this line of your post, as well as the entire message.

I kept EPT in business for the better part of 2 years. Then I just stopped testing. Nothing was harder than seeing that negative month after month. But you know what? I'm okay. Better than okay. I have a beautiful son because my hopes and dreams indeed did NOT die with those tests. Thank you for the reminder.

tippytoe foxtrot said...

Seomeday, you will have another tiny baby to fill up your belly. I'm sure of it. You are aware and appreciate what you have. If you wanted more and couldn't see the beautiful life that you DO have...that would be a sad life, indeed.

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

I'm with you on the baby lust. It's all consuming isn't it?

Kristen@nosmallthing said...

Okay, tell me if this is wierd...I don't really want more children, not really. But every time I have a negative test, my heart sinks a little. There is nothing like knowing that feeling of something big happening within you. And I am a little sad that that time in my life is over.

I loved this post...I think there are a LOT of people out there that understand it!

kate said...

i know. me too. great post! we waivered about our fourth for so long and i am so glad we took the leap. so glad i am pregnant. so glad i get to think the baby thougths one. last. time.
i just love it soverymuch.

MollyinMinn said...

Beautiful. And I love the ice cream analogy. Isn't that true of so many things in life we want and either can't or won't have?

Manic Mother said...

Your young you have lots of time to make those 9 babies! I understand the feeling though, I swore I was pregnant this time but kept getting the negative results, and I was slightly bummed too.

I can't wait to hear when you do get the 2 lines! Yay babies!

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