I have floated through it numb and brimming over with tears and heartache at the same time. If that's possible.
Things have happened. Waking up and sipping coffee and walking around kinds of things. It's the most beautifully perfect Midwestern spring day and I'm resisting it. I'm holing up inside the house while saying over and over that I need to get outside, for vitamin D and fresh air and fun.
But I just can't. It's hard to describe it because I don't even really understand it myself. And tomorrow will be different. I might spend all day outside, like yesterday when I sat with the sun on my skin and then put the boys in the stroller and ran and ran and felt so good.
It's like I spend all my energy in one day and then have nothing left for a few. The bills need to have checks written for them, but I just can't. They're due and I need to do it and I don't. Same goes for the dishes.
I also kept thinking I should call someone, just to talk and say how I'm feeling. But I didn't. It was like it took too much energy to get what I really need. And Miles asked me, Is it tomorrow now? And I wish it was and it feels like it should be because today is long.
My heart was hurting and I was wishing that I had more than three friends in this new-ish place, and I was feeling so lonely in my feelings and my thoughts and I kerplunked down in my desk chair and slouched my shoulders and looked at Twitter, uninterested, thinking it dumb, really. Dumb Twitter. And then I was staring at Twitter some more with more slouching and I saw that Kelly said "it was a great post" to Steph and so I went to Steph's place and I read her words. Oh, Steph's words that are gifts. Then I told her that her words rose up in my belly and there was a lump in my throat and tears brimming over. Because of her words, and even though Steph isn't sitting right here, she's sitting right here. And she has become my friend, a real friend and she helped me. Today, with her words. And then I said something blah on Twitter and then Lee popped up, her big smile lifting up my heart, and she wanted to know "wazzup sister?" and with her I know that means she really cares, and then I missed her voice so I think I'll go call her.
I am not desperate for friends. I love my friends and I have them both online and off. There are just times in life that are lonely no matter what you have, and that's the beauty of inspiration being only a click away. Even when you already have a lot of it at home.