6/24/10

here's the down low

I was thinking about how many things I bring up in this space, never to revisit them again (ahem, thoughts of homeschooling? Wanting another baby? Other stuff I can't think of right now?) And then I thought about how writing about recovery and sobriety and addiction has sort of taken over my blog. So that means that the tone is often...heavy, man.

Then I thought, I hardly ever update on Asher's health anymore and I rarely do "From the Mouth of Miles" posts these days.

The thing is, it all happened naturally. Asher is doing really well, and when Miles talks about things that I want to share with the world, I censor myself a bit more because I don't want him to look back on these pages and wonder why I made every stinking little thing public knowledge, you know?

There's a huge difference in life these days. When I compare last year to this one, I see that not only are we physically in a different place, we're just altogether in a different place, each of us. That's largely because of sobriety, it's what's going on with me and with us, so I write about it often. And I really don't even know why I'm explaining this. I guess I'm just giving you the down low.

I finished outpatient treatment last night. For five months I went to a building and worked hard on my plan for recovery, my honesty, my freedom. First for three nights a week and then one night a week. It's over. I did it. And when I got home, I pulled the blankets up under my chin and felt a shift. A gift shift. I could feel it, another new layer of peace in the following through. Like a button had been pushed, moving me closer to letting go of alcohol completely. I slept well.


What I love about this picture is that it's fuzzy right where I am, and then it becomes clear somewhere later, along the path. Ahead. We can always know that sooner or later, the fog will lift, the truth revealed and the destination clear. That's what I hold on to.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm doing well, really well, even when I'm not. And I feel another blog-shift coming on too. I'll probably always write about addiction, but probably not as often. I needed to focus on it, to be swallowed by recovery and think and write about it a lot, and now I need to bring other things to the surface again. Not to pretend that sobriety isn't important or a priority, but because I can. I can.


{This post is a part of You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry}

46 clicked right here to comment:

Becky said...

I am SO SO PROUD of you Heather! You are SUCH an inspiration to so many that you SHOULD blog about your recovery.
These blogs of OURS are just that, OURS! If we want to be funny, we can. If we want to be serious, we should.
So good for you FOR IT ALL!
I hope you're as proud of yourself as I am. (proud of you, not me. Well sorta me. OK but really this is about YOU!)

Robin said...

"A gift shift." I'll have to remember that. And all the best on the next phase. I think about the 'why I blog' question as well and usually decide what you did: writing comes from where we are, fuzzy or clear or laughing at what our children say or wrestling demons. I'm sure your prediction will play out, as you move away from that intense focus, your blog will too. And I'll always look forward to whatever you write!

Tooj said...

It seems that sometimes we need to focus, and other times we focus too much. Realizing that balance is best is always the first step. :) You appear to know how to balance very well. I can't wait for the next stroll in your blog. Each turn has been more and more intriguing. Thanks for sharing.

Sabrina said...

Way to go Heather! You are well on your way! A lot can change in a year, sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad... but it's always amazing to watch the shifts and transformations.
Love you and looking forward to seeing you soon!? :)

Andrea said...

I love that last picture too! What a beautiful moment in time. Congrats on finishing the program! And for new beginnings.

Motherboard said...

"The Gift Shift" That is a beautiful phrase.

And so are your photos. Beautiful that is.

Mainly a midwife said...

Beautiful post. I'm happy for you. Thank you for sharing your life and being transparent. On another note.You mentioned homeschooling. I wish I was a homeschooling mom. I did it for one year and felt like my son and I did battle quite often. We put him in school the following year. But I somehow miss it????

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

Proud of you, mama. ♥

Bec said...

The bathtub shot is just too precious!

5thsister said...

You continue to amaze me! Congratulations on your sobriety!

Kristen @ Motherese said...

Honored to be with you on this journey and here to read whatever you've got whenever you've got it. xo

Em said...

I also loved the "gift shift" and this post was just wonderful. I understand on so many levels, especially in that I need to be "swallowed" by recovery and write about it often. I also love to read about it, here and on all my other bloggy friends pages :)

Amber said...

Congrats to you and what fun pictures, the last one is my favorite!

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

I'm so very happy for you!

~Mendie~ said...

wow, you have come a long way girl. I can almost see you smiling in this post...you should be so proud of yourself. I am!

shelley. said...

beautiful post. love the bathroom shot. makes me smile. as did you whole post. i don't know you, but am rejoicing with you.

Erin said...

Congratulations on your journey thus far! I continue to wish you all the best, and I look forward to seeing what your blog has to offer in the future :) (not that I haven't enjoyed it in the past. Ugh. You know what I mean. I hope.)

LisAway said...

Congratulations on finishing the five mnonths. That's awesome. And one year you'll probably hardly think about the wine at all. And you'll remember how hard it was and wonder why. I love that you have shared with us and documented for yourself your thoughts and experiences during your recovery. And I'm glad you are doing so well (even when you're not).

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

That's amazing. I'm so glad that you've made it so far! I can't wait to see what the next shift in your blog brings.

Kimberly said...

Our blogs mirror our lives to a certain extent, and shift as our lives shift. Some change month by month, some post by post, depending on life's stability (or stagnancy, however you want to think about it). I enjoy you in all your incarnations...all your shifts.

Heidi Ashworth said...

I'm fairly sure at least five other people have already made this comment, but here it is anyway: blogging about what's on your mind is what makes a bloggist real/relevant/eminiently readable. I am sure no one is complaining. Clearly, just being you is a win-win situation. Hugs!

Unknown Mami said...

Embrace the change. Congratulations!

sara said...

so incredibly proud of you!!!

amy said...

Congratulations on the shift. Looking forward to following you through the rest of the shifts you choose to blog about.

Aging Mommy said...

Absolutely fabulous. Congratulations on all you have achieved and you are selling yourself short, because I think you are much further down that track than fuzzy already, you are heading into the clearer light already. Some of your posts over the last few months have been heavy yes, but always readable as they are so incredibly well written and you needed to write about what was so very much a big part of your life. What is best of all is hearing that you are now so very ready to move on in life and in your writing, that you can. Well done, you should be so very proud of yourself.

Corinne said...

I'll read anything you put out there, but I'm so proud of you for getting to this point. YAY YOU!!
And your boys keep getting cuter... how is that possible??

Denise said...

Maverick--
A gift shift. Love this. And got fairly teary reading this wonderful, stop-me-where-I-am post. And the photos...I want to eat the little one in the tub. He's edible he's so cute. And the last one, fuzzy here but clear there. Yeah. What you said.

Love, Goose

Elaine A. said...

I'm loving the cutie in the tub! :)

I'm so glad to hear you are doing well Heather. And now? I just want to hug you. Let's pretend we just did, k?

Rachel said...

of course, what is blogged about is always evolving, always changing. Just like us.

designHER Momma said...

I admire you so much you will never know. honestly.

Casey Freeland said...

"I slept well." So nice.

Casey

The Hollywood Memoirs said...

I love these shots. And your reflections. As always. "A gift shift." I feel I'm on the verge of one of those, myself. Thank you for always being so honest; I haven't struggled with addiction but your words have inspired me and given me strength in other areas of my life.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I feel like you're really taking one for the team, getting us all inspired and motivated in the areas of our own lives that needs to get cleaned up already. I don't know if you realize it, and it's ok if not, but I think you are way more extra-ordinary than you might think.

Things are shifting all over the place with many of my friends that I connect with on a supernatural level, including myself. And as uncomfortable as it is, it's also really comforting to know I am riding what I think is the right wave.

Maybe this is too trippy a comment for a blog comment, but, it's your blog, so,

love

Steph

Boy Crazy said...

First of all, congrats on the milestone, my dear. So proud of you.

And second, I love Steph and her comment. <3

e.

Hyacynth said...

I've been avidly reading since we met this past January {though, I don't always say I'm here ... bad lurker habits die hard, sorry!}, and I've been inspired by what's on your mind. And I've been encouraged by your honesty and your heart. I wanted to tell you that first because I haven't yet.
But in regard to this post, I think that as a writer, we go through stages of writing. The well cannot always be flooded with deep thoughts and honest emotion. There's a season for it. And there's a season for journaling the everyday-moments. And just like spring sometimes meanders into summer or even winter sometimes reaers its unwelcomed head on a freak summer day, there are bits and pieces of everything scattered in one season. But for writers to grow {in character and in wordsmithing (is that a word?)}, I think there need to be periods for everything.
Just some thoughts from a tired mom on a Thursday night.
Looking forward to seeing what the next season brings.

Mommy Mo said...

You are amazing and I am so proud of you. I do wish that we would be meeting at Blogher again this year, sharing dinner in the airport while we waited for our planes, crying about stuff. Hugs and miss you.

Lori said...

Hi Heather-Your words, written so wonderfully! Thank you for sharing so much of your world and congratulations on your sobriety, and finishing all of your classes/meetings! Be SO PROUD of yourself as we all are for you!!! The photo's just keep getting better and better!
Can't wait to read your next blog:)
You're amazing Heather!!!

~beautyandjoy~ said...

YAHOO, lady! So impressed and so inspired by your commitment to truth and it setting you free. You'll never know how much you have given all of us in the way of freedom, too. You are amazing. I will still be here rooting for you for as long as you need it. :)

~beautyandjoy~ said...

YAHOO, lady! So impressed and so inspired by your commitment to truth and it setting you free. You'll never know how much you have given all of us in the way of freedom, too. You are amazing. I will still be here rooting for you for as long as you need it. :)

Kelly said...

Your blog feels like a see-saw. It was up on the Mommy side and then it was up on the Addiction side. Seems like now it's finding the balance necessary to be a little bit of everything. I'm happy to be along for the ride.

Kazzy said...

I am so glad you are feeling peace in that shift. And the evolution of what a blog covers just shows how real and natural it is. I love it.

Jen said...

Beautiful. Writing is like life, no? Up, down, here, there. All the while reflecting--centering on--what's most important at the time.

Roban said...

Heather,

I've been away for a while, just doing mom things and teacher things.... and because of that, I've missed most of your story this year. And here I am checking in on you and finding out that you are OKAY. How wonderful you must feel to be at this stage. And how perfect that picture represents your life.

Roban

Jenn said...

"What I love about this picture is that it's fuzzy right where I am, and then it becomes clear somewhere later, along the path. Ahead. We can always know that sooner or later, the fog will lift, the truth revealed and the destination clear. That's what I hold on to."

So true. Life can be so undefined at times.

Christine said...

Once again, even though we are in different places, I feel in reading your words, that we are in the same place. And I don't want to minimize anything by offering my own experience (it always makes me nervous when I do that on someone's post...like, it's kind of rude isn't it to make it about me) so please don't think I'm doing that. But I wante to say, that I'm experiencing my own INTENSE shift right. Literally feeling it. So hard to explain, and it's overwhelming and good all that the same time. All this to say, I understand, and that this place should be absolutely be whatever you need it to be. And we're excited for whatever it will be. You go girl! So, so happy for you.

Erin said...

My God, I am so proud to know you.

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