I have a friend who has a boy who has something. There's something wrong. My friend is looking at herself and asking questions. What could I have done differently? Maybe it's because I did this? Maybe it's because I didn't do that? Was it the shots? Is it his diet? Maybe I shouldn't have sent him to kindergarten yet....maybe all that stress triggered this, this new person he's becoming....
His behavior is obviously changing, moving him higher on The Spectrum. And his mom sits terrified, waiting for what he'll do next, and what the assessors will say after her firstborn boy is evaluated and scrutinized and labeled.
She is exhausted with three kids, listening to his high-pitched screeching sounds all day every day after very little sleep. This is new, he didn't make this deafening sound before and he says he can't stop. Oh, please make it stop.
Ironically, she worked in special education for years before having children. But this is the Other Side, this is not the way it's supposed to be.
She sits across from me and the pain in her face is too much. This is too much. I want to fix it because I'm me and because she is her. She is unconditional and she is selfless and she sits in a very large space in my heart, taking up room that was put there just for her.
My friend, I want to hold you like that scene in Good Will Hunting with Robin Williams and Matt Damon, until it settles in, moves from your mind to your heart. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault.
Sometimes Mother Guilt is about more than worrying over whether or not we're playing with our kids enough or signing them up for enough activities.
Sometimes it's just too big.
I love you, friend. Please forgive the entirely nerdy video that goes along with our song...but I figured you could use some Sara today and this was all there was on YouTube. And anyway, we like quotes, so maybe it's alright...
When some time has passed us and your story can be told, it will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul.