8/4/10

sobriety is in the middle


There is a lull, this settling in me at the same time as I float, all while striving.
I don't know how a lull that brings a settling and its opposite--this floating like transcending, can equal balance, but they do. Somehow they do. I've never understood math, anyway.

Life is always both settling and transcending, floating while in a lull, pushing and pulling, sad and good. I don't know what to make of it, this freedom in the balanced place between, the place where I stand, in the middle, believing the striving and the pain and the hope and joy are all acceptable at the same time.

Today I'll have the literal sense of floating, up there in a seat in the clouds with my nervous butterflies of insecurity and hope. And while I fly toward a new adventure, I will feel the pull down and back, to home. To my two small boys and my Ryan. I will feel the pull of my life, the routine and the comforts and the same, the pull to love. I always do, whenever I'm away, I feel it. And then whenever I'm home, I feel a push to transcend above the striving. Wherever I am, I'm working on something akin to what sky divers must need to do to maintain a smooth transition, before the parachute opens. Arms back to make a V, while floating up and pulling down--balanced, headed in a straight line, striving.

I am free to feel it all, the nerves and the joy and the heart-pang missing of my family. I'm not running, not hiding, not numbing, not drinking. Just flying with my arms back in a V while knowing the lull and the transcending.

I no longer have to fear the pull to the ground nor the heights, like I used to, all mixed up with imbalanced chemicals and a mess of secrets. Sobriety, the spirituality of it all, is a parachute that works, and so I float in-between.

~~~~~~~

I'm assuming that at some point this week/weekend I will post an update on how things are going. I'm also assuming I'll be sleep-deprived and rambling, and will most likely have at least one story of how I've embarrassed myself in front of droves of fellow bloggers.

Have a good week/weekend, friends.

18 clicked right here to comment:

Ellie said...

I love this post.

The best part is all of us sober sisters will be parachuting together.

-Ellie

Maggie, dammit said...

But we can't blame embarrassing moments on drunkenness anymore! Dammit.

This is lovely, and I know exactly what you mean. I think the calm is the best part of this whole thing--but you're right, there's a sense of movement in all the stillness. Upward movement.

Love you. See you soon. If I ever get out of this airport.

Heather of the EO said...

I love everyone who comments, of course. I don't mean FOR commenting, but just for being.

Today I'm especially grateful to see the 2 of you here, in a row, right before we meet up in New York.

Life, our disease, the Internet, The Big Guy Upstairs--gave us each other and it makes me all weepy and joyful and peaceful and I can't wait to see you. TODAY!!!!

Andrea said...

I hope this is your best conference yet :-) Enjoy your trip and I hope to see you in NY!

Cameron said...

Have a wonderful, wonderful time in NY! Sending love and hugs to you. :)

Amy Sorrells said...

You are brave and beautiful all wrapped up into the embracing shade of a parachute, girl!

Janie said...

thank you for this wonderful blog. however, i'm not quite where you are in the sense of floating. low on the hope side (fleeting moments of glimpses at the end of the tunnel), but more on the waiting to feel normal, the grays turn into vibrant colors. whatever normal is. have to keep hoping, having a vision of a better life. Janie

Corinne said...

This was so lovely...
So glad you'll be there this weekend :) See you soon!

My Bottle's Up! said...

your writing is pure beauty.

Bina said...

I just heart you...

feefifoto said...

Have a wonderful and fulfilling time.

Debbie said...

I will jealous of all the fun you are having this weekend and all the folks there with you while I am here at home. Have a blast for me too!

Kazzy said...

What a big year this has been for you. Your blog conferences, your personal conquerings. I think you are splendid. Best of luck.

Jenn said...

You've done it again another post that puts LIFE into words. You painted an awesome picture for me with your writing!

Holly said...

You write so beautifully!! And even though I am SO JEALOUS that you ARE AT BlogHer... I have an award for you on my Fri, Aug 6 post because of your strength, resilience, and inspiration to others!! So, I know you'll be busy fo a while, and if you don't play along with these things, no biggie. But at least you know that I think you're pretty AWESOME! ;D

http://www.DiamondPotential.com

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Hey girl, I saw you won at Social Luxe. Love you. Congrats.


Steph

偉曹琬 said...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done today.......................................................................

victoria winters said...

It was great to meet you at BlogHer too and thanks for stopping by my Bird-On-A-Line! :) I hope to post about the madness of Blogher soon. Quick question for you - how to you get the rounded edges on your pics? LOVE that and want to start doing it regularly.

xo,

V.W.

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