There is a lull, this settling in me at the same time as I float, all while striving.
I don't know how a lull that brings a settling and its opposite--this floating like transcending, can equal balance, but they do. Somehow they do. I've never understood math, anyway.
Life is always both settling and transcending, floating while in a lull, pushing and pulling, sad and good. I don't know what to make of it, this freedom in the balanced place between, the place where I stand, in the middle, believing the striving and the pain and the hope and joy are all acceptable at the same time.
Today I'll have the literal sense of floating, up there in a seat in the clouds with my nervous butterflies of insecurity and hope. And while I fly toward a new adventure, I will feel the pull down and back, to home. To my two small boys and my Ryan. I will feel the pull of my life, the routine and the comforts and the same, the pull to love. I always do, whenever I'm away, I feel it. And then whenever I'm home, I feel a push to transcend above the striving. Wherever I am, I'm working on something akin to what sky divers must need to do to maintain a smooth transition, before the parachute opens. Arms back to make a V, while floating up and pulling down--balanced, headed in a straight line, striving.
I am free to feel it all, the nerves and the joy and the heart-pang missing of my family. I'm not running, not hiding, not numbing, not drinking. Just flying with my arms back in a V while knowing the lull and the transcending.
I no longer have to fear the pull to the ground nor the heights, like I used to, all mixed up with imbalanced chemicals and a mess of secrets. Sobriety, the spirituality of it all, is a parachute that works, and so I float in-between.
I'm assuming that at some point this week/weekend I will post an update on how things are going. I'm also assuming I'll be sleep-deprived and rambling, and will most likely have at least one story of how I've embarrassed myself in front of droves of fellow bloggers.
Have a good week/weekend, friends.