1/25/11

back and forth

Sometimes I have these epiphany moments that aren't even really epiphanies but I don't know what to call them.

Then later, when I try to tell someone or think through my "aha moment" again, it just falls flat and I'm all,
well that's really nothing new.

But sometimes the epiphanies that are set on repeat, the ones that come over and over again because I have to learn them over and over again? The ones that seem so simple and plain a little while later?
They're like an old hymn or a favorite movie I've seen a hundred times, the way that parts just grab a hold of me and feel new. Maybe because I forget so easily, but my heart remembers and so it sends a ping! to my head.

Yesterday I was thinking about how strange it is that I knew anything at all Before (Before motherhood or marriage or sobriety), but I suppose I did. I was learning and growing despite myself, my totally ridiculous choices, my immaturity... That's one of my favorite things about grace. The gift of growing in the middle of being stuck.

But then again, sometimes it feels like I knew absolutely nothing at all. The life I'm living now sometimes seems to have put the brakes on what I thought I knew and then it sent all my so-called wisdom flying backwards, reversing down the highway and back to the starting line. This adult life I'm trying to live now, it humbles me and seems to have started my wisdom from scratch.

Last Thursday, the day that marked one year since I've had a drink, I was crying. I wasn't even sure why I was crying and I said so, over and over, "I don't know why I'm crying..." and then Ryan stood next to me and he said so softly and with so much kindness, "Well, Sweetie. You've lived a thousand lives."

All those lives hold so much I don't remember but so much my heart does remember. I am 35 years old, I have two boys and another baby on the way. I'm married and I have a house and a dog and a minivan. I have lived many many movies and sung many hymns, but I don't live in them now. I just want my heart to remember the parts that redeem...and then I want to live right here.







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21 clicked right here to comment:

Corinne said...

Mmmm...
This was good.
Safe travels this week... xoxo

Alita said...

Word up! Living, learning, and utilizing each and every moment. Oh and having the sense to know when you need to change things up.

Big virtual hugs Heather!

deb said...

who knew?
not me.

hugs.

5thsister said...

Your husband is a wise man...for you, indeed, have lived a "thousand lives".

tracy said...

Such wise words. Cannot wait to see you at Blissdom. xo

Melissa said...

Those husbands - they can be wise folks every once in awhile. :) It seems like the life you're currently living is pretty sweet and I'm happy you are happy and well.

simplicity said...

I love this.

"Lived a thousand lives."

Thanks for sharing Heather, I know I rarely comment but I'm still reading and often leave inspired.

Kelly said...

The heart holds onto so much -- both good and bad. All those experiences shape our perceptions, and it's up to us to honor them yet keep living in the now. You seem to be doing a great job of that.

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

Beautiful. Congrats on the year milestone.

swonderful said...

i know just what you mean. i love that about you. wish i was at blissdom giving you a hug.

Kimberly said...

Oh the journey...such a strange pattern of interwoven pathways. You've found a good one.

dangerous linda said...

congratulations on your one year anniversary!

Lara said...

So poignant, Heather. Life is funny that way. We are always growing and changing (hopefully for the better). Your journey has been so inspiring to me, and I know that if you can do this, I can do many of the things that I need to do in order to be better myself.

It's a journey. And I so get what you say about epiphanies. It's God's way of reminding us over and over again about what He wants us to become I think.

Maggie May said...

congratulations on your one year!

Suzanne W. said...

Well said, mama, well said...

work in progress said...

congrats! i am 3 months sober, i need a role model blogger and mother! reading about you crying at 1 year is making me cry! my daughter needs me, i need me.
crying again....

a Tonggu Momma said...

Being sober isn't a decision so much as it is a journey. And it's a hard one. Your husband is right - that IS why you were crying. (((hugs)))

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

A thousand lives... What a man.

Denise said...

Tears. Just beautiful, Maverick. Stunning. xo Goose

Jenn said...

BEAUTIFUL!!!

Christine said...

Had a similar talk with my therapist last week. I actually for the first time read to her a blog post, one which meant so much to me when I wrote it. When I read it to her (after prefacing it with a bunch of build up) I felt like it had lost all it's magic for me. And I felt silly. She said to me that it's often to most obvious things that cause the most important aha moments. I appreciate her kindness, but I think she's right. Life is full of so much, so many beginnings, so much change. Holding on can sometimes be hard.

Hope you are well lovely lady!

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