I'm No Martha

One of the things about being a stay-at-home mom that I have yet to figure out is prioritizing. I have (almost) completely lost my really quite impressive ability to organize and multi-task. As with many other things, I have kissed them goodbye, reluctantly. But I have to admit it's painful. Especially if I compare myself to "those" moms, the ones who seem to have it all together. I really do know a few. Real life Martha Stewarts. The ones with clean houses and clean laundry, no piles of paper everywhere, and fresh vegetables from the garden. I think it would be pretty freeing for me to just accept that I am not one of those moms, no matter how much energy I waste trying to be her. For me it's like trying to be a mathematician, it just isn't going to happen. I do not possess any gifts remotely close to anything to do with numbers, so why would I try to make it my vocation? Same with trying to balance it all perfectly. I just wasn't made that way. I need to figure out what's really important to me and move forward focusing on using the gifts I actually was given. Like dancing. I can totally get the small people at my house to laugh hysterically with a perfectly timed interpretive dance. Or making up songs that don't rhyme, I'm really good at that. And if there were diaper changing races I would totally kick butt.

This 'wanting to get everything done thing' is a frequently complained about topic among mom friends and I. We can't figure it out. But lately I've been thinking it's because we want a miracle answer and there isn't one. We want a laundry fairy and a book-keeper. Well, if I'm honest I really want a personal assistant to do pretty much everything besides hang with the kiddos. I would totally excel at this mom thing if I had one. aaaaaaahhhh, just imagine it for a moment with me...

The problem for me is that I kind of try to wish the pressures away. I keep trudging through the chores of daily life, resenting that there are so MANY of these pressures, big and small, and longing for my next break. What a waste of energy.

Truly living in the moment with my children is quite hard for me when I have all these other things on my mind. I start to hold on to the to-do list in my head, trying to break away to make random, fruitless attempts at finishing something. Then I look around and get all overwhelmed at how there isn't enough time and I start to feel guilty that I'm ignoring my boys over it all. Then (yes, there's more) I start to shut down and not want to do any of it, including the playing on the floor part. It's like anything else, if it's too big, RUN!!! That's me anyway. That's how I roll. I'm just getting pretty tired of it.

I have to truly grasp that the beauty of this season of life is in the moments spent playing on the dirty floor with my boys. If only I could stop noticing that there's sand stuck to me and play-doh stuck to my carpet. Those things really don't matter. What matters is that these two beautiful people feel that I love being at home with them.

So I'm working on it. I suppose it's a process like anything else and I need to be patient with myself. Hopefully I'll have it all figured out by the time my boys graduate, but I doubt it. For now, I think I'll just try not to care so much about the small stuff. It would do me some good not to worry about it, so my mind would be free to focus on those things that really matter. Easier said than done, but worth the effort.

P.S. If you are one of those moms that does seem to have it all together, I have to admit I'm mad at you.