merciless beauty and the critical beast

Next week in Nashville, I'll be speaking at the Blissdom '11 Conference with friends Arianne and Cecily about writing and fighting the internal voices that try to hold us back.

Taken from the Blissdom website, the description of our session~

Merciless Beauty and the Critical Beast:

"Your story is bold. Your perspective is courageous and true. You sit down to write mercilessly, vulnerably, and then you hear them: an invisible army of critics in your head. Before you even hit publish, you begin to anticipate the feedback from your outspoken audience. And so you pull back and self-censor. Or do you? How much do you edit yourself before your strong voice becomes watered down by the focus-group tendencies of social media audiences? How can we confidently respect the integrity of our stories while being mindful of our readers? Learn to write with unadulterated beauty while nailing down elusive terms such as “voice” and “authenticity” without having to look those tired words in the eye. Own your space and encourage others to do the same."

Of course, the three of us will not pretend to have all the answers. This will be a philosophical conversation, in which we share our personal journeys with the struggle to write from our hearts while also considering the audience, blogging's immediate feedback, and the fear that sometimes tries to creep in.

Despite our nerves, we're doing our very best to prepare a session that will inspire and teach. I'd love it if you'd share your thoughts or ask a question in the comments if something came to mind as you read the description of the session. I want to be sure to address what people are really looking to know and I'd so appreciate your help. Hopefully by now you know that I think the world of you, the people who take the time to visit this space. Your thoughts really do matter. A lot.

And that's just it. What you think matters...but I can't let what I assume you think stop me from writing what I need to say when I sit down to publish a post. It's a fine balance. If you blog, how do you handle that? What are your fears? Where do you find your confidence? What would you hope to learn from a session like this?

People ask me all the time, How (or why) do you write so publicly about such personal things? I hope this session sheds some light on that, and I believe that it will. If you're attending Blissdom this year, please come by and offer us some support, on Friday, in the writing track. (Thank you!)


This will most likely be my last conference experience for quite some time (with the acorn due in June), and I'm so looking forward to it. I get to share a room with Ellie and Ann and see loads of other friends I've come to know and love. And I get to leave the frozen cold tundra that is Minnesota for a few days which is a much needed thang, believe you me.

Peace out, friends.

A picture story and an I_Blog Ticket giveaway!

You're welcome.


I'm totally not as freaking hilarious and adorable as these two toot knockers, but if you'd still like to meet me and hang out and stuff, I'm giving away a ticket to the I_Blog Conference in Iowa this November 5-7! I'll be there, waxing philosophical on all things blogging as a speaker, and then at night I will be happily tucked in my bed at the beautiful Hotel Pattee, where the conference is being held. It's truly an honor to be a part of this enriching and well-planned event full of great informative sessions and opportunities to get your chat on with fellow bloggers.


To enter for the free conference pass:

• Leave a comment on this post. (If you have trouble with my comment thingy, please email me at heatheroftheeo(at)gmail(dot)com with your entries. I apologize if you have to do this, but sometimes that thingy is wonky and I just don't know what to do about it.)

Extra Entries:

• Get the word out about I_Blog (there are limited tickets remaining) on Twitter and/or Facebook by tweeting/sharing a link to this post. (one extra entry for Twitter, one for Facebook).
• "LIKE" the I_Blog Conference on Facebook
• Follow I_Blog on Twitter
  

Please leave a separate comment for each thingy that you do, mkay?

This giveaway will close on Monday, October 18th at 12 noon (CST). I will choose the winner on random.org.

Also. If you decide to register for the conference before this giveaway ends, you will be reimbursed! If this is an option for you, please register by clicking on the link to I_Blog in my sidebar. Thank you!


P.S. If you're from The Minnesota and are planning to go (or would like to go) to the conference, I will be road tripping it....so, you're invited to join me, if you'd like! (if you pass my husband's Are You Safe? test and meet my pit bull who can sense mean-ness and will eat you before you get in the car if you're a killer.)

Ahem...We could sing!

UPDATE: THE GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE WINNER LATER TODAY!!!

UPDATE AGAIN: OKAY, SO...IT WAS A BUSY TRAVELING WEEKEND AND I CAN'T CATCH UP ON MILES AND ASHER GOBBLING...SO I'M SLOW ON POSTING THE WINNER. I DID CONSULT RANDOM.ORG AND THERE IS A WINNER, BUT I'LL ADD THAT TO MY POST FOR TOMORROW. I REALLY REALLY WILL. THANK YOU!

but only with help

I love October.






You should see how it waddles when he walks. It's the absolute most hilarious and adorable thing you've ever seen. And he wiggles it on purpose and calls it his chubby butt.

October brings that feeling with it, you know? Like things are about to get hard before they get better. Like you're dressing up for something you don't want to wait for and you don't want to recognize that it might be cold and tiring when you try to live it out. And it's exciting and depressing at the same time and it leaves me in the throes of fighting the funk and I am.

I was a stay at home mom who blogged as a hobby before. And now I've somehow become a writer and I feel like I'm embarking on winter, a season to hibernate and rest but there's no time for that. A book proposal won't finish itself and the traveling and speaking is a part of this overall experience and I love it. My inbox is always overflowing and I find myself needing help. I'm in this vicious cycle of try try try....repeat. It feels a lot like a hamster wheel and so surreal too. And it's been kind of lonely in a strange way.

My Dad came over when the camera and the attached-to-us microphones were here and he took the boys out so Ryan and I could be interviewed. I met him at the door and I said how is this my life? and he said with a chuckle I don't know. But he had this is good and it's okay in his eyes. I feel that in my heart-gut too.

So in a few weeks our family's story and the addiction and sobriety story that's my own and yours will be shared on Fox 9 News. Trish Van Pilsum will tell this story and I trust her and I'm so grateful that she's the fantastic person that she is.

This morning I was to speak at a local MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers) gathering here in my hometown. But I thought I was to speak tomorrow. So when the phone rang so I could be reminded that I was supposed to start to speak ten minutes before that, I was all tra la la and the boys and I were about to go out the door to do other things.

I was mortified. Of course. I thought it was tomorrow...gasp gasp...and then the realization that my plan to put the finishing touches on what I had to say was now squashed and I was about to wing it sunk in and I panicked. I grabbed my computer and my bag and ran circles around the boys who thought we were going to do something else and Asher was saying Mama, are you happy? Smile, Mama...

I feel really small right now and that's okay. Who doesn't need more humility? Heh. Because there I stood, unprepared and anxious and it was all I could do to not fall apart. That I found any words or any order to them at all is an absolute miracle. I hope even one small part of it made sense and I'm sorry. And I needed to write it out, just get it out, this place of tension has been hard the last couple of days and it will get better again, after it's out. I am trying to be a stay at home mom and spend time with my boys while I try to find my way through the writing and speaking life and then I panic in moments, a fear rising up that steals my peace, telling me that this is not the time for all of this at the same time.

How does a woman do this? How does she chase dreams and still honor her relationship with her partner and children? Because when she tries to do both the chasing and the other kind of chasing it seems everything suffers and this is why we need help.

And so we hired someone. She is absolutely priceless. And she and I are going to do this thing together and I'm so thankful for her. We don't have a money tree but we have faith in our journey and the fact that we always get by, we always have what we need.

I found Nichole on a site advertising care providers. Her profile said that she's willing to help with errands and childcare and cleaning and organic cooking and editing...I couldn't believe it said editing. Who throws in editing? (Someone who is meant to work for Heather and Ryan, that's who!) Nichole has worked with kids for years, has a beautiful little girl, and even a clear understanding of social media.

You know what that is? A gift. A gift person. Also. I just realized I should probably try pinching her really hard to see if she's real.

I'm thinking I should probably hand her my calendar. Perhaps she will get me to places on the right days.

It's going to be alright. We're going to find a groove over here. No, I can't do it all, not alone or with help and so I've also been practicing saying no more often.

The surprising thing is, I'm learning I can be both a writer and a terribly good mother. I know because these are two parts of me that cannot be put on hold or stifled or changed. They are as much me as the messy bedhead atop my noggin and the toothpick-like ankles above my feet. And so I will live them both, with help.



P.S. No. You can't have my Nichole.

the base

I'm pretty sure that one of the strangest experiences a mother can have is to spend some nights in a hotel room alone. Strange and good and surreal and lonely and wonderful. That's how it is for me anyway, especially since I'm traveling so much lately.

I sat here last night in the silence, in Asheville, North Carolina and felt all of these opposite clashing emotions and of course they were, each of these feelings, tinged with a hint of guilt. Guilt is always the glitter on a mother's art project, it seems.

(Unless we work really hard at not feeling guilty, but that's pretty difficult to do when we're already exhausted.) (Amen?) (AMEN.)

I'm convinced that one thing we mothers have got to try is living more and thinking less. Recently I heard it said that if you want to change how you think you have to live yourself there. It sounds so simple when I type it out like that, but I have a history of taking myself too seriously, all of this over-thinking, stopping me in my tracks. If I let myself go down that road I end up doing the very things I say I don't think are right. Like not following my heart-gut. Like allowing the guilt to bring me to a rumination that brings me to doubts that bring me to insecurity and comparing.

I've probably learned this before and I will probably have to re-learn it again in no time at all, but after I finish letting this out I'm going to hit publish and then I'm going to think of my boys the whole time I'm here without adding the glitter. And when I get home we'll spend time together like we always do. But for now, I'm going to walk out my hotel door and meet a lovely new friend in the lobby. I will probably forget my key and I'll keep my comfortable shoes on, just so you know.

And later I'll go see downtown Asheville with a group of women I'm honored to know. They will inspire me and things will happen that I never could have predicted, good things, I'm sure of it. We'll walk back to the hotel all sleepy and giddy and I will climb into my soft white bed in the silence again and wake up tomorrow to speak to my blogging friends on a panel or two. And then I'll go home with new layers of connection and inspiration tucked away in a part of me that used to hold too much worry.

I hope my boys will see those layers someday, so for now, I'm choosing to believe that my experiences as "Heather of the EO" will enrich my Miles and Asher because I have been enriched. I'm always their mother, sprinkled with guilt but still art. Art like a unique mural painting made up mostly of them, my two boys, with my heart-gut experiences as a base underneath. A base that coud, if I allow it, bring out their best colors.

Now that's an analogy I'm going to have to remember.



Happy weekend, friends...

The Minnesota Bloggers Conference (Alternate Title: I came. I spoke. I survived.)

All week I tried to prepare for speaking to my Minnesota blogging cronies. I tried and tried and felt more and more scattered and then more and more anxious due to the unpreparedness.

I got in the elevator on Saturday morning with Minnesota JoY (who saved me in the parking lot by generously giving me the parking fee I neglected to remember to bring) and Matt Logelin and Chris Ann from LoveFeast Table. That was a really good start.

I asked Matt if he was
ready for his keynote.
He said no.
I felt better.

(Did you notice how I just said that last thing Logelin-style?)

(Am clever.)

Check out the lovely place we were able to call home all day Saturday. (A big thank you to CoCo for allowing a bunch of Internet Geeks to take over their space.)







Yeah, you betcha. I want to work there. The commute would be Uff Da Long, but the huge windows with their light, the brick, the hardwood...I was a bit swoony.

Moving on.

It felt so good to be surrounded by so many people I've come to know through blogging (and The Twitter), and every one was so...well...Minnesota Nice. (No, not the fake-ish passive-aggressive nice, but true and genuine KINDNESS. It was everywhere.)

(she actually IS all things bright and beautiful, my friend Elle.)

Steph, this one's for you...

This is Molly. I know that you can see that she's gorgeous,
but I get to tell you that her loveliness
is all over her insides, too.

And yes, I did some speaking. I like to call it rambling. I had notes, the ones I tried and tried to put together with no success, but I think I only looked at them twice. And I think it went okay. I stood up, I said some things and I hope (a lot) that those things helped someone in the room. It was more than an honor to talk to this particular crew of people, I'll just keep it to that. Except to say a huge-mongous thank you to those of you who attended my session. You rock the party.

(In the 2nd photo I'm saying vroom vroom while pretending to push a car around.
I'm the mother of 2 boys. I just can't stop doing that.)

Lastly. I don't know how to tell you about Matt's keynote. Here are just a few words to describe it: inspiring, authentic, humble, hilarious, moving, creative, hilarious, sad, good, hopeful and hilarious. Thank you, Matt. You are the real deal, fine sir. I'm glad to know you.

Matt, being introduced by Missy, one of the hard-working
creators of the event.

This coming weekend the Gala and 5k to raise money for the Liz Logelin Foundation are a-happenin' in The Minneapolis. If you're local-ish...come and support this endeavor to help shower a little grace on families who have lost a partner and parent. (click Gala and 5k above for details)


Matt's keynote ended the conference on the perfect well-spoken note. He talked about community, the very thing that, for many of us, defines blogging.

I know I said "lastly" but this conference did not change the fact that I'm wordy and scattered, so one last thing...

I need to show you my new Gussy bag (pronounced baaayg). It was so good to see Maggie and then throw all of my super important items from my old bag to the new. It's beautiful, this lady's work. Hand sewn and quality beautiful things, that's what she provides. But you knew that...


I loved Saturday.

The End.

september holds

Let's just get this question out of the way at the beginning, shall we? How is it September 1st already? There. No answer? Me either.

It's inevitable, summer is bound to slip away. She does it every year. She is sneaky and good at hiding.

I was thinking it might be fun to look at the brighter side of falling into fall.

So. Here are some things that are up and coming in the land of the EO:

• On September 11th, I'll be speaking at the first-ever Minnesota Blogger Conference in St. Paul. My session is 45 minutes long and is called "Authentic Blogging: The benefits and risks of sharing your personal life online." I plan to dance and sing. Kidding. I'm really looking forward to this, friends. I wish you could all be there. Except I don't, because that would make me nervous and I'm currently not all that nervous. Anyway. The conference filled up so quickly, a lot of people are bummed to have missed registration. So, just so you know...you can head to an event the night before the actual conference if you're nearby. It's open to all bloggers, not just attendees.

• I've talked about the Liz Logelin Foundation several times in the past, and I'm happy to say that September means I get to talk about it again. A few events are on the horizon, including the Gala, the 5k, and this year, if you're not in The Minnesota, you can take part in an online auction on September 17th for donated items from Gussy, One Hope Wine, and many more. Sidenote: Matt Logelin is speaking at the Minnesota Blogger Conference. His session is after mine, so I plan to sit and listen with no nerves, while eating popcorn. I can't wait. (Okay. Fine. I don't actually know if I'll have popcorn, but it sounds good right now.)

• The Type A Mom Conference is the weekend of September 24-26. I have the honor of speaking on the Revolutionary Blogging panel. This adventure will most likely involve hours and hours in the car with Maggie Dammit. Who knows, maybe we'll hate each other by the time we get to North Carolina and then we'll sit on the same panel with our arms crossed and tell everyone we don't share a sobriety date anymore. Could be very dramatic. You should come.

Alright, that's enough for now, friends. With all of these lovely endeavors on the horizon, the only other thing I have planned is more of this:




And more of that:

(this is me with no make up and no shower in the wind. Deal with it.)

Oh. And the writing of the book. I plan to keep plugging away at that, even when it hurts.

Happy September, friends.