Saturday was the Sara Groves CD release concert. Lana and I went to Don Pablo's for dinner and had our favorite - regular magarita on the rocks, extra salt and fajitas. Then we headed to Northwestern for the concert. (I had to laugh just now at the irony of margaritas and Northwestern being in the same story).
Everyone knows I'm a huge Sara fan so I could have sat there for two days listening to her sing and talk (I love when she tells stories). But I wasn't in the best of moods. I told Lana on the way that I was in a bit of a funk and felt bad that I might ruin her night. We'd both been looking forward to this night for a very long time. In her typical understanding and easy-going Lana style, she replied, "I could be going to a stranger's wake and have a good time, you can't ruin my night, I'm out of the house." We talked a long time at dinner about struggles and life and it was cathartic and healing. Sometimes that kind of "friend intimacy" is just what I need. Lana is always good for keeping it real and making me laugh.
My funk lately has to do with a lot of things that I won't get into mostly because it would take too long. Part of it is simply that I'm sleep deprived and basically spent. Sometimes you realize that there is only so much you can give before you're just barely hanging on. Even if it's giving that you love. I currently happen to be spending all my energies on a very difficult phase of parenting with an extra complicated infant and an ever-changing-more-stubborn-every-day toddler. Both of these small people are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am completely in love with them and in love with momming them. I work quite hard at doing the best I can and sometimes I take it a bit too far. Especially in ruminating over them and thinking long and hard about every detail of their current and future lives. In short, I plum wear myself out on top of not sleeping. SO, all that to say that Sara Groves spoke to me (again), but this time it was freaky.
At intermission I called Ryan to check on things. He said "do you want the honest version?" and I just waited. I could hear Asher crying hard in the background and my heart sank as Ryan said "he's been doing that since you left." He said it was the most difficult night he's experienced with Asher and believe me he's experienced a lot of difficult nights with Asher. I wanted to cry. Ryan told me not to feel guilty or like I needed to come home and I know he just couldn't lie to me about what was happening. Lana offered that we could leave and she'd be cool with it. Normally I would have given an enthusiastic "OKAY" at that point, but something made me start walking back to the auditorium. I felt sick and sad and just plain at the end of myself. I couldn't really think or function clearly at this point because I was just so sorry for Asher and for Ryan and like I said... spent. But we went back to our seats and sat down. My mind wasn't really "with" the concert anymore. The mommy brain had taken over. But then something crazy happened. Sara Groves came out, sat down at the piano and said, and I quote, "Heather, this song is for you. Heather, you know who you are." Now, you may be saying, "um, there are a whole lot of Heathers and she might know one." Yes, I agree completely because I'm not a total loon, but it was a "God moment" for me anyway. Because she then sang one of my favorites, "It's Going To Be Alright," which Lana and I have discussed more than once being a song that can "get you through." So even if I'm not the Heather she was addressing, God was talking to me and I needed it. (I also might add that if Sara Groves knew a Heather that needed to hear that song, she may have said "this song is for my friend Heather" and left it at that-she may not have needed to say "you know who you are."-strange, but I could be reaching a bit cause it's fun to think it was meant just for me.) The words are:
It's going to be alright*It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes you're not getting any sleep*
And you try to rise above it, but you feel you're sinking in too deep*
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that *
It's going to be alright* It's going to be alright*
I believe you'll outlive this pain in your heart*
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart *
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that*
It's going to be alright* It's going to be alright*
When some time has passed us, and the story can be told*
It will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul*
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that*
It's going to be alright*It's going to be alright*
I did not come here to offer you cliches*
I will not pretend to know of all your pain*
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith for you*
It's going to be alright*It's going to be alright.
I just love how everything weaves together in life. I needed that song at that moment in more ways than I can describe. I have been feeling a bit faithless and hopeless about a few really big things. And how it came together was priceless. God is good. Even in the midst of a funk, there are good things happening all the time, even small beautiful moments meant to make it easier.
"Heather, you know who you are."
Yes, I do.
And despite a lot of things I'd rather not know about me,
I'm beginning to think it's going to be alright.
1 clicked right here to comment:
That is so beautiful! Heather that song was for you, I will pray that God continues to get you through! When I went through a break-up at the beginning of the year, I played that song a lot! I still sing it to myself when I have a bad day. It IS going to be alright. Word to your mother.
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