30 and the Giants

I remember having a bit of a "quarter-life crisis" in my mid-twenties. I thought life would look so different than it did when I got there. When I was a teenager, I imagined I would have three kids by the time I was the ripe old age of 25! But when 25 actually arrived, there was another part of me that couldn't believe I ever thought that way, since I still felt 18. And in so many ways I still wanted to be 18 and therefore acted like I was 18. I've always had trouble moving on to the next phase of things. I get comfortable or lazy or something. I think that's pretty typical of my generation. I know for sure it's typical of me.

Now I suddenly find myself nearing 33. It isn't as shocking anymore, getting older. Because once I hit 30, I just stayed there. Time froze and I have trouble answering the question, "how old are you?" I know for sure I don't have a clue how old I am when I try to shop for clothes. Sometimes I look in the "juniors" section. Until I realize that I will look ridiculous if I try walking around in these tiny, trendy outfits. A thirty-something, trying too hard, that's what I would be. And then I head to the "misses" department and find that most of it looks a bit boring to me. I'm somewhere in between and there aren't clothes in the middle. But I digress...

I've been thinking lately that if my twenties were the, "finding out who I am and what I want" stage. Then I guess my thirties might just be for starting to actually work on what I realized, and what Ryan and I want for our family. Not that I have it all figured out. I think it's a lifetime process. But for now, we do know what some of the most important things are to us.

In my twenties I started to discover those passions. Now, in the first three years of my thirties, I've slowly started to get more focused on what those passions mean for my life and the life of our family. In my twenties I coasted through, trying so hard to figure myself out and mostly feeling defeated. Like I was never going to be who I want to be. That's just me. I don't think it's true for everyone. I just think so much, I would think myself right into doubts, fears, and negativity. That kept me pretty much in the exact same place I started for many years. In my thirties, I want that to change.
Oh, the power of the mind. I've been fighting this"giant" of rumination and insecurity for far too long. Miles says that he "saves the dave" by throwing cheese at giants. Of course, he doesn't understand that cheese would probably only be a small snack for his imaginary giant. He just wants to believe there's a simple way to save the day. I've wanted that too, I've been "throwing cheese" at my giants for a really long time and really not getting anywhere. I'm going to have to switch it up and try something new. Maybe that's what the thirties mean for me. A span of ten years, learning how to live more fully, to stop spinning my wheels so much. To not be so overwhelmed and stressed out. To enjoy life and believe that I can do the things I was made to do, and that our family really can fulfill an extraordinary purpose on this planet in the short time we're here.
I'm sure there will be giants in my thirties too. I'll be in my forties, realizing I still don't know much. But for now, I'm thankful that the thirties are different than the twenties! There are two little boys that have joined Ryan and I in our thirties. They have been the catalyst for so much change in a million ways. There are many things I want them to learn from how we live our lives. But I don't want to overwhelm myself anymore, thinking it's impossible to teach them everything I want them to learn. Thank God it isn't all up to me! So I'm learning to trust more and more in the goodness of God's heart. That no matter what comes our way, we truly are loved by Him, and He wants to set us free from our "giants." And when freed, we'll really be able to live all sorts of wonderful things that we once were being held back from by our own relentless thoughts. So when I'm thinking that I might be just plain no good at this mothering thing, or I'm worrying that Ryan and I will never learn to communicate the way we both really want to, or when I'm defeating myself by saying I'll never achieve much, I need to throw the real truth in the face of those giant lies. Then stand up and keep going, believing that my thirties just might be different. That even I can stop spinning the wheels of my incessant mind and move forward.
My entire life I've been hearing and seeing this particular Bible verse and not really getting it,
Galatians 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
He came to set us free in this life too. He doesn't want us walking around with our own heavy yokes, especially those things we ruminate on that keep us stuck. I'm so glad He wants to help me with my freedom, I'm tired of my busy mind. Freedom looks pretty good. It only took me approximately 33 years to figure that out! What a relief, I've been pretty tired! Surrender is a beautiful thing.
When we're in the car and there's a song on about God, Miles often says, "this song is about a Superhero." I promise I did not plant that in his mind. He just up and said it one day and my mouth dropped open. I've been thinking so much about Divine power, and from the mouth of a toddler comes this truth. Both Miles and I are learning about this Superhero. The one that really does come to "save the dave." We're learning how to lay down our cheese and simply be protected and taught how to fight our battles in a way that makes more sense than with cheese.

Hopefully this giant and the cheese/Superhero analogy will serve as a reminder for me, one that I can rest in. Surrender...rest...peace...all these things the Superhero brings are just what I was hoping for, here in my thirties.

1 clicked right here to comment:

Sabrina said...

Thank God for freedom of those giants! My 20-something giants were fierce! Your words are wonderful Heather!
I can't wait to get LOST with you!

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