Like a Skin

You know that feeling, in the pit of your stomach, like something just isn't right? And you can think it to death and still come up empty handed? Maybe it's just that I'm tired? Maybe it's that I talked with a dear friend who's struggling? Or maybe it's that I'm thinking too hard about all that I could do better? I just don't know.
Then I read a friend's blog and she was so focused on the tangible good in her life. So I thought maybe it's just that I'm being so negative lately? Or maybe it's the stinkin' snowy, cloudy, pukiness that is my beloved Minnesota?
I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but the reality is, I sometimes feel like one. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly, but it's hard for me to do. I gave my dad a card recently that said, "sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it." That was a quote by an 8 year old. Oh, from the mouths of babes.
Anyway, maybe that's what I'll do. Stop thinking so much and make my way to bed. It does seem to work for my kids. Any child actually. They'll act like total freaks when they're tired, then they'll go to bed and wake up a totally different person. They don't have to think really hard about it, it just happens. Sometimes I wish it were so simple for me.
There's a Sara Groves song called "Like a Skin." I love that song because it makes me feel so normal and I can relate to it so much. She says (sings), "butterfly can just look back, flit her wings and say oh yeah, I never have to be a worm again." Then she sings about how she wishes she could do that with the things about herself that she'd rather leave behind but just can't shake. I wouldn't want to be a snake for any other reason than to be able to leave the things I SO want to leave, "like a skin upon the ground."
"Snake gets tired of being him, he wriggles from that itchy skin, leaves it lying where he's been and moves on..."
I came across an old journal this afternoon. Part of the knot in my stomach is that it was from 2001 and said the same things that I've been "realizing" lately, right here in 2008. I thought these great epiphanies I've been having were so productive, and there it was in black and white...my cycle. I've come to this place before and never moved forward. I've said, right there on paper, that I want to DO something with my life, that I'm ready because I FINALLY "get it." In that notebook, I said the exact things I've been saying right now. And yet, after jotting those notes in 2001, I did none of it. It's not that I'm just being hard on myself, I do that too, but it's that I realize my history continues to repeat itself. There is so much I know, and so much less that I apply. I get comfortable in my "itchy skin," and move on. Things change on the outside...husband, house, dog, baby, another baby... but the inside is still arranged in the exact same way.
This is one of those posts where I wonder if I should share all of this. I realize though, that I want to save all these ramblings for two little loves of my life, Miles and Asher. And it continues to be true that I want my boys to know a lot of things about their childhood. Even who their mom truly was when they were super small. I want them to see my humanity one day when they are old enough to understand. So maybe this will be a reminder that we all struggle, and I want them to know that they are okay, even in the struggle. Hey guys, don't be too hard on yourselves. Getting to be who you want to be is a process that can take a really long time. We need to be patient with ourselves, just as we are patient with the people we love.