10/30/08

From the Archives: Dear Asher,

I love your sleepy, sharp blue eyes. I love the way those eyes light up when they see me. I love the place where your nearly hairless head meets the back of your neck. I love your squishy cheeks and thighs. Their softness makes me want to push my nose in them all day long.
I love how you giggle like you're giving a courtesy laugh, a short little ha...ha....ha.......ha...
I love how you blew into our lives with such a force and have not calmed down since. I love the things I'm learning because of you. I have more strength because of you. I can be trusted with much more than I ever dreamed I could handle. I was strong even before you came, only I didn't really know that. Until you showed me. This was the beginning of a deeply rooted love for you and I'm so thankful for the way we've bonded and grown together.

I love the way you're growing into your personality. You are sweet. At times you're shy. You're content as long as you can be with others and watch all the curious things they do.

You love to sleep many hours, but have a hard time figuring out how to do that.You are a trooper. You have endured a lot of pain. You are strong. You are an old soul, that is in your eyes.
You know what you want and will voice your needs loudly until they are met. And yet you are patient with our inability to read your mind, switching to smiles and giggles just for the joy of our attention.

You love music, balls, balloons, animals, food, sticks and leaves, paper and pretty much anyone who will smile at you. Especially Daddy.

I love the way you tilt your head when you feel a bit nervous. I love the way you stick your butt out when I hold you and sing to you before bed. I love how you try to put your snuggly in my mouth while I sing to you (I would too, I'm an awful singer).

I will never forget that beautiful crinkly nose smile, without restraint and with pure joy jumping right off your face.

I love how confident you are in exploring the world and other people even though you've been given no reason to trust that things will be okay. Despite discomfort and stressful months of wishing you knew english so we could help, you still give yourself to us as if to say, "Here I am! Love me cause I know you will!" And we do. Fully and without hesitation. Just as you are, because there is only one Asher, and you are our boy.

P.S. I love the way you smell, all earthy and sweet.

I love you so,
Mama

(originally posted 5/28/08- this was written not long after Asher's digestive issues had finally started to get better, his constant cries were less frequent, and his true self started to unfold.)
____________
After re-reading this post from five months ago, I was struck with the thought that nothing has changed at all. (Unfortunately that means that I still can't sing.)

Yes, the reason behind Asher's struggles in recent months has been revealed. That's new. We have hope to relieve his pain and move on. But mostly, he's that same person, nuzzling me and making me laugh. The boy himself is just the same, spilling over with warmth and silliness, able to distract himself from his own cries with a simple game of peek-a-boo.

When he woke up this morning, crying and grabbing at the back of his head, I finally knew why. When the crying wouldn't stop I didn't have to guess if he was teething, over-tired, or hungry. I know what it is. It is such a relief to know.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, your support and your prayers. We'll hear when our appointment with the neuro-surgeon is today. I'll keep you posted. We truly appreciate your bloggy love. Oh, and I'm not sleeping so great, so send coffee. :)


30 clicked right here to comment:

Jenny said...

Heather. Coffee is on the WAY. I'm crying as you write "When he woke up this morning, crying and grabbing at the back of his head, I finally knew why."

Bawling. Don't know why that hit me so strong, but it got me.

sweet little noggin.

Keyona said...

I know that it is always better to know. It's hard when they can't tell us what's hurting and we can't figure out why.

My heart is hurting just thinking of the pain he may be in. It will all be soon better. That alone should give you peace.

Hang in there Heather!

Danielle said...

Amazing the timing was perfect to find out what was going on. I'm so glad you were able to find out and now have answers and a plan to make little Asher feel better.

Hugs to the beautiful little boy and to you and the rest of your family. And bless you for having courage to share your life with the rest of us. We are there with you in prayer and heart!

Erin said...

What a beautiful letter to your sweet son. I'm glad you have answers, and after today you should be armed with information and power. Good luck!

Elizabeth said...

Aw, that made me cry. You love your little guy so much! You, Heather, are the perfect mommy for him.

I'll send coffee, and creamer, and anything else that will make up for the lost sleep. And I am praying for you to have peace through this.

Brooke said...

It is so hard to see our children go through such difficult things. It makes our anguish just that much more. I'm glad that you know what the problem is, and that you can help him now. The letter made me cry. I think that every mother should do this for their children. Hugs to you and your sweet boy.

charrette said...

I do think knowing is such a relief, even when it's not good news.

I wish I could bottle up sleep and send it to you by the quart.

I'm glad you reposted that. It's beautiful. And I love your perspective on it now.

(p.s. Thanks for your great comment on my blog today -- you made my day!)

Jillene said...

What a beautiful post/letter to your son!

Debbie said...

Our thoughts and prayers will keep coming Heather. Thanks for updating us.

Becky said...

You wonderful woman!

I am so glad that there were communication problems at the twelve-month appointment, and that you have people there who can help, and that you finally know what is going on.

But mostly I'm glad that you sound peaceful. I hope that makes sense. You sound like you're armed with courage and you're ready to face the world and win.

Give Asher extra kisses today for all of us who are completely smitten with him!

Heidi Ashworth said...

There have been some really rough times with both my husband and my son--but they really cemented the relationship which was so crucial because of the tougher times to come. But, we got through them and so will you and your sweet family. You have the right perspective (in my humble opinion) and it truly makes all the difference.

Eowyn said...

Some times those moments of truth make things harder and easier at the same time. I love knowing.

I am so glad that you finally have an answer and that there is something that can be done.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

(word verification=gunked. Isn't this a word? If it isn't is should be.)

a Tonggu Momma said...

Heather, if you trust me with your address, I WILL send coffee... gobs and gobs of coffee. I am feeling incredibly weird about the fact that both our little ones went in for tests recently and that y'all received one result while we received another. Perhaps this was God's way of truly placing this on my heart so that I would pray much for little Asher.

LisAway said...

Happy, happy, sweet post. How do you manage to cheer US up when YOU are going through such difficult trials? You're amazing, Heather. Thanks for your amazingness.

Melanie J said...

I agree that knowing is everything. It gives you a place to start which is a better place to be than the constant guessing. We'll keep praying for you!

Heather said...

Heather,

I'm following your blog, am thinking of you, and am here, in your area, with nothing to do so ANYTHING at all, please call or write. Anything. Like, if something spills and you are just so d-mn sick of wiping things up.

Carolyn said...

You give me strength. I hope you have enough for yourself.

You'll be in my prayers.

Kim said...

I am still sending so many prayers heavenward for your family.
Much love to you and sweet Asher.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

It's so true -- knowing is half the battle.

The line about him crying and clutching his head got me, too.

Still praying. Anxious to hear the news.

Baby Tunnel Exodus said...

Praying you continue to get crinkly nose smiles through his healing. Praying you get sleep, peace, and a break. Don't forget to put the bucket (not your baby, but the bucket), down every once in a while.

Love & ((HUGS)), Whitney

Kazzy said...

This is a tender post. There are so many tiny little reasons we love our kids, beyond the big obvious ones. Like the little beauty mark on my ten year-old's face. Why do I love that about him??

BaronessBlack said...

I'm in agreement with everyone else who's said it's always better to know. No matter how hard that knowledge is. We'll be sending all the EO family hopes and prayers and positive vibes from the UK!

Abra said...

I could just echo everyone's comments. They're all so sincere and heartfelt.
Knowing is such a relief, even if it means struggles, and long roads ahead.

MidnightCafe said...

Oh, Heather! Asher is, indeed, a sweet boy!! Such a beautiful smile! I hope you get an appointment with a neuro soon so he can be feeling better soon, too. You're a fantastic Mama, Heather. You really & truly are. (((hugs)))

minnesotamom said...

Any specific kind of coffee? You may think I'm joking, but I'm serious.

minnesotamom said...

Oh my goodness! I have to post another comment just because it WORKED!

Octamom said...

He is so, so precious. Praying here--and sending good coffee wishes you way!

Hugs and blessings~

Sue said...

What a sweet post, and what a darling little boy.

Kimberly said...

I can imagine that relief. Vividly. Such a beautiful post the first time, and still so poignant now.

You amaze me. You have such a way of seeing through to the meaning behind things.

Kristen said...

What a trooper he is. I'm so glad you have the information now. But still, how heartbreaking to see him in pain. Keep us posted.

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