From the Archives: Dear Asher,

I love your sleepy, sharp blue eyes. I love the way those eyes light up when they see me. I love the place where your nearly hairless head meets the back of your neck. I love your squishy cheeks and thighs. Their softness makes me want to push my nose in them all day long.
I love how you giggle like you're giving a courtesy laugh, a short little ha...ha....ha.......ha...
I love how you blew into our lives with such a force and have not calmed down since. I love the things I'm learning because of you. I have more strength because of you. I can be trusted with much more than I ever dreamed I could handle. I was strong even before you came, only I didn't really know that. Until you showed me. This was the beginning of a deeply rooted love for you and I'm so thankful for the way we've bonded and grown together.

I love the way you're growing into your personality. You are sweet. At times you're shy. You're content as long as you can be with others and watch all the curious things they do.

You love to sleep many hours, but have a hard time figuring out how to do that.You are a trooper. You have endured a lot of pain. You are strong. You are an old soul, that is in your eyes.
You know what you want and will voice your needs loudly until they are met. And yet you are patient with our inability to read your mind, switching to smiles and giggles just for the joy of our attention.

You love music, balls, balloons, animals, food, sticks and leaves, paper and pretty much anyone who will smile at you. Especially Daddy.

I love the way you tilt your head when you feel a bit nervous. I love the way you stick your butt out when I hold you and sing to you before bed. I love how you try to put your snuggly in my mouth while I sing to you (I would too, I'm an awful singer).

I will never forget that beautiful crinkly nose smile, without restraint and with pure joy jumping right off your face.

I love how confident you are in exploring the world and other people even though you've been given no reason to trust that things will be okay. Despite discomfort and stressful months of wishing you knew english so we could help, you still give yourself to us as if to say, "Here I am! Love me cause I know you will!" And we do. Fully and without hesitation. Just as you are, because there is only one Asher, and you are our boy.

P.S. I love the way you smell, all earthy and sweet.

I love you so,

Mama

(originally posted 5/28/08- this was written not long after Asher's digestive issues had finally started to get better, his constant cries were less frequent, and his true self started to unfold.)

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After re-reading this post from five months ago, I was struck with the thought that nothing has changed at all. (Unfortunately that means that I still can't sing.)

Yes, the reason behind Asher's struggles in recent months has been revealed. That's new. We have hope to relieve his pain and move on. But mostly, he's that same person, nuzzling me and making me laugh. The boy himself is just the same, spilling over with warmth and silliness, able to distract himself from his own cries with a simple game of peek-a-boo.

When he woke up this morning, crying and grabbing at the back of his head, I finally knew why. When the crying wouldn't stop I didn't have to guess if he was teething, over-tired, or hungry. I know what it is. It is such a relief to know.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, your support and your prayers. We'll hear when our appointment with the neuro-surgeon is today. I'll keep you posted. We truly appreciate your bloggy love. Oh, and I'm not sleeping so great, so send coffee. :)