12/11/08

Insert Dramatic Title Here

I have this problem. One where I feel I have to talk and talk and talk and talk in order to be heard. I have to explain in the greatest of detail exactly how difficult something is until the person I'm talking to appears to have fully grasped my discomfort and validated me for at least a half an hour. Gross.

I'm sick of hearing myself. Yeah, yeah...life is rough, get over it.

Since this season of our lives has pretty much swallowed me up, I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

We found out yesterday that Asher is so uncomfortable because:
a) his shunt is working TOO well, draining all the extra fluid from his brain a bit too quickly, which is painful. (if it's not better by next week, they'll change the setting so things slow down.)

b) he is also getting eye teeth and it's been said that those are the most painful, because his other teeth have to move out of the way a bit.

Double whammy headache for Asher. Hence, the non-stop crying.

Of course I'm so relieved that there wasn't something majorly wrong in that noggin, but you know what?

There's a very sick little part of me that wishes something more...fixable would have been found. Not something terrible and awful and dangerous. Just...something. Something that would make the doctor say, "Here's the problem. Now here's the solution. And then he'll be pain-free forever and ever, amen."

I love Asher. (Like mad.) But WOW, has he changed my life. Our lives. Of course his mood has been pretty much out of his control, he's been in pain all of his seventeen months. I get that.

I'm just so tired.

I told a friend last night when I picked up Miles that I just didn't know if I could take the boys home and give them a bath and put them to bed. I am absolutely void of any energy of my own. The daily grind seems so ridiculous within all this worry and strain. The appointments, the driving in the car to make the crying stop, the forgetting what I was doing a thousand times a day because there's a little noggin pulling on my pants and crying every moment... And now it's time for dinner? What? I don't remember how to move. How can I make dinner?

Here, have a plain piece of bread and some water. (Yes, that really was dinner recently.)

It isn't that I haven't had help, and MAN do I appreciate that help. This is just so all-consuming, like trying to keep your head above water with a weight tied to your ankle, while someone throws you bread crumbs. You NEED the bread crumbs, but you can hardly even catch them. Something like that.

I almost sort of kind of had the opportunity to get my old job back (long story). In the middle of all of this, it wasn't even a consideration. But I sure did daydream about working, having some head space, and getting a break from the crying. I don't want to feel that way. I want to be happy to be here, sharing moments in these years that are going to fly by way too fast. I want to feel good about it. Be good at it. Enjoy the boys while they enjoy me. I want that a whole lot.

I hope all of that is right around the corner.

One day I won't even remember this. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing? It will have changed me in more ways than I'll ever understand, but for the most part it will be gone. I'm glad and sad about that all at the same time.

35 clicked right here to comment:

Keyona said...

It's ok to feel that way. It's normal. You're under a tremendous amount of stress and it's ok to feel like your drowning. Just do the best you can. That's all you can do.

Lara said...

Nobody wants to have to deal with these things. I think we all have stuff like that in our lives, and it is sometimes hard to find the joy in it all because we are trying so hard to just keep afloat. Keep on keepin' on....you're a great mama.

The Three 22nds said...

I was going to write this same post today, only without the baby and the surgery thing. The eye teeth for Lincoln were HORRIBLE. So yeah surgery combined with eye teeth would make for a pretty horrific combination.

It is hard to be a mom sometimes.
We'll be praying

Heidi Ashworth said...

I have sooooo been there. Your breadcrumb analogy? Mine, at my lowest, was this: someone is requiring that I make chocolate chip cookies and bring them to some function for the enjoyment of others--but I don't have any chocolate chips and no gas for my car to go to the store to buy some-and oops! No money to buy them, either. Yet, the pressure to make the cookies is intense because it is expected and there is no way out. If someone would just offer to take me to the store and spring for the chips, I think I can make them--but as it is, there's just no way and doesn't anybody the frickin' see that?!?!?! Yep, so been there. I'm so sorry! It will get better. Meanwhile, don't feel guilty about bread and water for dinner--it just drains the energy you need for yourself and your boys. Next, give that kid some tylenol AND advil-they can have both at the same time and it does wonders. That anbesol stuff for the gums really helps, too. Meanwhile, I'm mad that they didn't fix the shunt yesterday--why in the world should either of you suffer for one SECOND more!?!?!? I hate that about doctors!! Erghhh!!! (sorry for the rant!)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, and sorry you didn't win a copy of Miss D (proof positive that this drawing wasn't fixed). I realize this adds substantially to your pain. (ha!)

Anonymous said...

dude ~
I called you yesterday, about dinner today, so don't wait til tomorrow to call me!! :)~

xo, crock

Jillene said...

I wish I was closer so I could bring dinner or help with the kids. I REALLY would do it even not knowing you in person!! You and your family are in my prayers!!

MidnightCafe said...

Heather, I'm sending you an e-mail. The way you're feeling is totally acceptable and normal...especially given how you were feeling BEFORE all this started. And it's totally fine to have to talk about it over and over. That's not gross. That's normal, and it helps you cope, and it lets people help you. OK, now about 5 minutes after I post this comment, you need to check your e-mail.

Brooke said...

I've had that feeling before. When I pray, all I can say is "I'm just so tired". That's all consuming, and I feel like that explains a lot of actions. Does that make sense? I'm tired (physically, emotionally, mentally), tired of the difficulty, tired of being tired, tired of having to deal and tired of having to function somewhat normally when all I want to do is crawl in bed and not face anything. I don't know if my ramblings are making much sense, but I get it. I'm so sorry.

Sabrina said...

Heather, you continue to amaze me with your openness and realness. You do not sugar coat. Life is what it is... but you are amazingly strong. I put you and my BFF Rachel into a category of your own. You guys are amazing and yet so real.
My prayers and hope for renewed strength go out to you.

Peanut said...

Oh Heather, of course you're frustrated that the doctors didn't just fix it yesterday. You've been waiting for so long to find out what the problem was, then waited a month to get it fixed... last Wednesday was the day it was supposed to start getting better! It's not fair at all.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting something fixable.

Go extra easy on yourself. You'll get through this. Lots of prayers coming your way (and I wish I was close enough to send a lasagne or something!)

Sue said...

Every single time I come to comment, "talk to me goose" STILL makes me laugh, so thanks for that.

What you are going through is so incredibly hard. It's like we get these pictures of who we are supposed to be in certain situations - strong, constant, uncomplaining, full of grace. That's a pretty hard imaginary picture to live up to.

You're going through an awfully hard thing. Give yourself permission to be human. Cereal for dinner is good - 12 important vitamins and minerals.

You are amazing. Hang in there.

LisAway said...

It sure seems like you're getting more than your fair share of trials right now. Keep eating those crumbs and treading water. I'm sure the boat is coming from the Coastguard any minute!

Abra said...

Hey, my kids had Mushrooms for Breakfast... who am I to judge?

I totally feel for you. Emotional stress is the most draining.
I rarely take my kids to the doctor, and the times I do, I really actually pray that something is wrong with them so that the doctor will see there's a REAL reason as to why we're there.
You're not alone on that either!

LOVE YOU.

Erin said...

I want to second what everybody else has had to say. Sometimes, we have days, weeks or months where we wonder whether our heads will stay above water. Accept help, ask for it if/when necessary, and this too shall pass.

(I certainly hope I don't sound like I'm judging. Because I'm not. Even though I KNOW it will pass, it doesn't feel like it when I am nose-deep in the sand.)

Growin' with it! said...

way to get it out there and be honest. of course we all feel this way sometimes, right!? and hopefully just venting gives ya some sorta of a break, even if a moment! hang in there!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm so sorry Heather. I can't imagine how hard this has been on you and the fact that you are able to write about it with such style and humor speaks volumes about your strength.

I really do understand what it's like to have the quality of your day depend on someone else and what kind of day they're having. I guess all mothers go through this in one way or another. So we can all empathize with you about that.

Hang in there!

Pink Ink said...

It's like childbirth, we don't usually remember the painful parts. Or at least they are fuzzy.

Or is it fussy?

Whichever way, take a nap!! You have my permission :-)

Kristina P. said...

Heather, I don't have a lot of advice, but I do have a lot of virtual hugs.

katy (aka funny girl) said...

"This is just so all-consuming, like trying to keep your head above water with a weight tied to your ankle, while someone throws you bread crumbs. You NEED the bread crumbs, but you can hardly even catch them. Something like that."

Exactly. I feel you, sweetheart. Peace and love!!

Kimberly said...

I so, so know what you mean about wishing something were badly enough wrong to be fixed. It makes you feel yucky inside to think it, but you can't help thinking it because you just want it to stop. To be done. The end. Amen. As you said.

I just wanted to say you're not a bad mom for hoping for that. You want the pain to stop for him. You want the crying to stop for you. And that's okay.

I am soooo tempted to look up prices for airfare to your neck of the woods right now...

BaronessBlack said...

Some told me when I was pregnant ' Your kids will push you to your limits. Whatever they are; emotional, physical, financial, spiritual. That's how far you'll be stretched.' And it's true!
Still sending positive vibes!

Kim said...

I just don't have the right words, everything I write sounds silly and trite. So, just know that I am here and I am listening.

Kazzy said...

I love what you said about enjoying the boys while they enjoy you. So insightful. Recently my husband and I were talking about money woes and he said that me getting a higher-paying job didn't seem like the right thing. These years don't come back for a do-over and I don't want to lice with emotional regrets. Temporal regrets, like "Man, I wish we had more money," don't haunt you the rest of your life. Not to say that working, or working MORE is a bad thing. But it has to be done after a lot of prayer and evaluation of the family. I don't blame you for thinking it would be a nice break every now and then. That is one part I do enjoy about my 6 hr-a-day job. Best of luck with your little noggin. He will thank you one day for all of your prayers and affection.

CC said...

It sounds like you need a LOOOOOOONG bath and BIIIIIIIIIIIG hug! I can only give you cyber-hugs right now. But please accept them from me to you.

Melanie J said...

Hang in there! I'm sure you're handling this with far greater grace than the vast majority of people would, despite your doubts.

Rachel said...

It's all about survival right now...don't worry about Christmas cards, decorations, shopping, etc...it won't matter in the long run. What WILL matter is that you did your best to love and care for your hurting little boy when he needed you most and that you care for yourself by resting and asking for help when you are overwhelmed. I've had to do this so many times this past month..it was hard at first..but now I find it is so worth it to pick up the phone and call someone when I feel I am losing my mind. I admire your strength and honesty and I know you can do this...You will make it through this...and so will your family! Praying for you and Asher all the time.

Tooj said...

Kids and marriage in general is all-consuming I think...so to add all the worry and pressure that you have additionally can be a back-breaker. Just remember a day without a bath won't be the end-all (I say this because neither of mine received one today, LOL) and bread and water is better than just bread, or just water, or neither. I haven't even had dinner yet, so you're sitting pretty there too. :) Time to scrounge for a slice of cheese or something similar. And as much as I'd like to make you think that being at work takes away a bit of the stress or worry... :( .....I have found it compounds it when I am sitting there at my desk, worrying.

charrette said...

Oh, I SO GET the "I'm top tired to take these guys home and give them a bath" part. That was the story of my life for YEARS. Still is, to a degree.

The funny thing is, the only thing I remember about those really hard times was the times when I reacted poorly, took my frustration and fatigue out on the kids. You're right -- the rest of it goes away, like running your life through a filter or a sieve -- and all that's left is the good stuff.

But that doesn't help you get through TODAY. I wish I were there to clean your toilets and cook your dinner and give the boys a bath and read them stories until they nod into dreamland... (That's what my really good friend would have done, did do, years ago.) In fact, as I was writing my last post, yesterday, I thought of you and wished someone like that for you in your life.

I'll keep praying for you. For more energy, more patience, more strength...and a bit more joy in all of this.

xo

JCK said...

Just know that it is OK to not give the kids a bath every once in a while. It is fine.

And I send you big hugs and hope the burdens you are carrying lighten up soon. You are a tough, resilient woman. Feel good about that.

Eowyn said...

Everyone has already said what I could say, so I'll just say some extra prayers for you.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Everybody already said this, but it's true...you're human, you have limits, and it's totally ok to feel like you do.

There is hope...just what you wrote about in the previous post.

You are doing a great job and you are a great mom.

That Girl in Brazil said...

Cereal. Dinner of champions.

JustRandi said...

Heather, you're a great mom. You really are. And you can do this.

If I could send you a lasagna, I would!

Stefanie said...

Oh man can I ever relate. I have help too but it never seems to take the edge off the endless doctor appointments, worry, chores, and crying - the crying is ceaseless. at least two out of my three children are crying at any given moment. There's not way to explain to people and you even get tired of hearing yourself complain after awhile because there seems no end in sight. I know. I wish my daughter's g-tube were going to just be miracle "here you go, fixed" cure but it's not. The worst seems yet to come. By the way, I have a Xanax you can borrow. But trust me, it's easy to get a prescription.

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