2/16/09

City Movie, Country Movie

Posted on Monday~February 16, 2009

If weighing the pros and cons about moving out to "the country" were a game of tennis, my neck would surely be sore.

My hometown is in "the country." We love it there.

We currently live in "the city." We love it here.

We kick around the idea of moving to the country about once a month. Being closer to my parents would be one of the pros. (And sometimes that's one of the cons. Ha! Kidding parents, kidding.)

If we never move out of the city to the town I grew up in, it's the fault of the guys with the really long scraggly beards at the movie theater Ryan and I went to when visiting my parents this weekend.

Seriously. If you're totally drunk at 4pm, please don't go to a matinee in a small town. There aren't very many people to fill up the theater, so your antics will be even more obnoxious. My suggestion is that you just go home and take a nap. You can always get up later and keep drinking if it's that important to you.

Also. Screaming "Happy Valentine's, evray budday!" while impersonating Elvis isn't really very funny. Especially during a movie. Just so you know. And stumbling up and down the theater aisle giggling? Well, that just makes a person look like a toddler stuck in a grown man's body. But not that cute.

Oh! And finishing the job of ruining the movie by responding to EACH and EVERY line by yelling something that doesn't apply? WOW. I almost risked my own life to search for the flask and grab the dudes by the collar, knocking their heads together and screaming, "SHUT UUUUUP!" at the top of my lungs. But if I lived through that, I would have had to drink whatever was in the flask just to calm down, and that could be really dangerous too.

So instead, I sat in my seat and whispered things to Ryan to distract us from the annoyance. No, not wonderful, loving, sweet Valentine things. More like, "What will you give me if I risk my life for you to enjoy this movie?"

Well, okay. Maybe it was actually something like, "Hey! Why aren't you doing something about this? BE A MAN AND SAY SOMETHING! I've got your back! I want to see what happens at the end of the movie!" (Not just whispering, but whiny whispering.)

He never responded. Weird.

Because he's always been a city boy and these experiences are foreign to him, Ryan said that if I had taken him to that theater for that same experience in the beginning of our relationship, he would have written off the idea of ever moving there. But because he's had many good experiences visiting my home town at this point, he's more willing to disregard this particular trip to the cinema. Isn't he gracious?

And yes, yes. I know that there are drunk people in the city too. It's just that if they're at a movie theater making complete fools of themselves, the people that work there kick them out. This theater only has like two people on staff at a given time, and they're fifteen and busy making popcorn. So I'm pretty sure they aren't going to confront huge men who happen to be wasted.

After the movie (that we couldn't pay attention to) we thought we'd redeem our Valentine's date by heading out for dinner. The hostess sat us in our booth and said, "The soup today is chicken TOR-TOO-LONI." That cheered us right up. She was also fifteen.

We ate and settled in, meeting up with a couple of good friends, ready to redeem the night with some great live music, performed by an old friend.

We heard three songs and then we got The Asher Call. He had woken up and couldn't be consoled, he wanted us home. So we snatched up our coats and hats and off to my parent's house we went, as fast as we could, leaving our friends in the dust.

We got in the car and headed out. Sigh, I said. Sigh, he said. And then we laughed and hoped in unison that Asher would be okay until we got there.

During the ten minute drive to my parent's house we lightened the mood. We curled our lips and shouted at the top of our lungs, "Happy Valentine's, evray budday! Happy Valentine's!"

Next year, when Ryan asks what I want for Valentine's Day, I'm going to say, "A drunk-free movie, tor-too-loni, and peaceful, sleeping children."

The End.

46 clicked right here to comment:

Kristina P. said...

I am a city girl all the way.

And there needs to be a Target within 15 minutes of wherever we move. I don't ask for much.

Annette Lyon said...

You painted the picture so well, I'm cracking up over here.

LexiconLuvr said...

Delightfully funny post! Sorry about the Valentines mayhem. I'll have to write about ours a little later. It wasn't near as funny.

=]

Erin said...

Living in a small town is definitely...interesting, isn't it? I'm glad you survived your Valentine's Day!

BaronessBlack said...

Isn't it weird! I love all the country things, like bigger houses with bigger gardens, and being able to have animals, and less light pollution, less sound pollution, less pollution generally, I guess!
But despite all that, I need people around me! A shoebox in the city is better for me than a mansion in the country. Unless I could have both.....

Tooj said...

I can't STAND movie theaters. LOL Thank you for reinforcing my belief they attract the most ignorant, self-absorbed loud chewing obnoxious citizens of all. I hope Asher was okay and was consoled by the sight of his tor-too-loni filled parents.

Melanie J said...

I think small towns are the worst places to raise kids because there's not enough to do so they 1) drink a lot
2) have sex
3) shoot stuff

Now, I can only go off of MY small town experiences which are EXTENSIVE, actually, but it's just what I've noticed. Seems like the suburbs are the perfect compromise. But I'm all Stepford like that.

Lara said...

Small towns are not my favorite. And our small town is not even really that small, but it's still too small for this city girl!

joolee said...

I vote country. As long as you can see at least 3 other houses from your windows. In case you were taking a poll.
I would've totally fixed your movie theater experience. I'm can be pretty bold like that.

Hey, did you see that Amy Lawson has you listed as one of the very few blogs that make her laugh? That AND 130 followers......what more could a girl ask for? Besides an interruption free movie experience.

Ron said...

totally understand .. I have your back on the city/country thing ..

I had one chance to be born in a small town and my parents blew it. i was born in the second largest city in the state. I lived there most of my life, with occasional forays into the country. We lived on a farm when I was 8 and I had a horse (sweet.) We lived there a year and then we moved back to the city. Then we moved to the country again (different place) when I was 14.
i lived in big cities most of my life. TJ and I moved to a small town (pop. 5600) just over 2 yrs ago and I love it. And I loved the country. And I loved the big city. They all have some things for them and some things against them.

So, I've got your back ..

by the way .. I need a good pic of you and Ryan .. for some odd reason.(who knows?)

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I think you stumbled upon my dream for every holiday, Heather. However, my hopes have never included a stipulation regarding drunkards at the movie. Maybe I should just throw that one in for good measure going forward! :)

-Francesca

happygeek said...

Born city.
Lived small town (no theatre small) for 2 years.
LOVED IT.
Miss it.
My husband would curl up and die if we ever went back however so I just dream about it.
We used to say that when you placed an order at the restaurants there, it was more of a wish list. You might get what you ordered, and you might not. Depends on the mood of the cook or the server.

Kazzy said...

When we moved to our little bedroom community (of course the old timers say it's now a big city) after 5 years in L.A. I couldn't sleep or relax because it was way too quiet. Now I love it. But I must admit I love big cities too. Man, my neck hurts...

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Well - I grew up in the city, and I think I had to put up with a lot of really drunk weird people that everyone just ignored.

I also went to a lot of theaters where it was more of a cultural thing (for lack of a better term) for people to be really loud and rowdy and talk to the movie.

Now I'm in the burbs and it's nice and quiet in those theaters. Not that I go to the movies anymore...but every year or so when I do, it's quite peaceful.

Joanne@ Blessed... said...

Heather, you made me laugh out loud.

And this post is why I come back for more.

So, when are you going to move to the quazi-country in California? I think I need some Heather in my life!

Sara@i.Sass said...

This reminded me of Uncle Charlie!!
See my great Uncle Al had a dairy farm in WI and every summer as a kid we'd go up there. My Dad would help Al with the milking and biling hay. GREATEST time ever as a kid..."here kitty kitty!"
Anyway Uncle Charlie was the drunk. We would laugh at him cause he could never walk straight. We thought he was just crazy, cuz kids don't know what drunk means...they had this pond that we were told had sharks and paranahs in it. (that was to keep us away from it, not because it really did.) But there was a huge drop off...Charlie found his way over there and fell in. I remember screaming "The paranahs are eating him!" Good times.
I have such fond memories of country time...today, I would NEVER bring my children there. I can't even stand walking the barns at the fair. OH the SMELL. But it would be fun to see Uncle Al and Charlie if they were still alive.

Jessica said...

Oh my, was it my hometown you were in? Because, I'm pretty sure I see those same drunk guys everywhere . . . what a decision, I vote CITY but that's because I'm currently IN my small hometown. But then, every time we talk about moving I'm sad to think of leaving . . . but not that sad :)

Debbie said...

Are you making fun of us country folks? Cause if you're not, I want to.

Heidi Ashworth said...

But, but, but . .. what movie did you not get to see? Inquiring minds need to know.

Kimberly said...

Oh come on, wasn't it totally worth having that horrid movie experience to make us all giggle over your telling of the story?

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

How hilarious! I vote country for the kids. I was raised a city girl all my life, and now I'm a suburbia Mom. I think country life would be so idyllic. I bet country drunks are funnier than city drunks.

LisAway said...

What does it say about me that I was clenching my teeth through your movie adventure when everyone else was laughing?

Peanut said...

I grew up in the country (a town of 3000 with no movie theatre) I loved it!
I've lived in the city 11 years now and only started to like it recently. We always talk about going back to the country, but I wonder if we are too much city folk now.. I like driving fast... I like movies without drunks (although classic comedies with a theatre full of tipsy university students can be quite fun if you're in the right mood)
I'm with Heidi. What movie did you see?
Was Asher ok?

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

It's all about making memories isn't it? :) Just think - you won't forget that date any time soon. :)
I'm a country girl at heart, but I was never really exposed to the crazy drunks in the country and small towns that I have lived in. :)

NorahS said...

Too funny! Sounds like you have a fun husband. Me, too.

KaraK said...

First off great post. Had to respond because my husband Craig and I have the "Move to the country" talk about once every few weeks as well. I think he is more gung ho than I am. What goes through my mind is, "Could I really take my mom 24/7, I love my sisters, but if I lived in the same town as them would I feel differently...but, there is the wide open spaces, the family support, ok, no Caribou...may need to do something about that.

So, for the time being I guess we just keep asking eachother if we should really do it...or just stay in the city.

Maybe we both move at the same time???

charrette said...

Oh, my husband would die, _DIE_, if that happened in a movie. This is the guy who has the manager of both theaters programmed into his i-phone so he can text them if there's a flicker on the screen or a problem with the sound or..., I guess, drunk guys shouting "Happy Valentine's, evray budday!"

Kelline said...

Sleeping children....every parents blessing....

Jenn said...

Born country and living in the country. By country I mean a dirt road out in the middle of nowhere with woods, a stream, a small swamp and fields. I love it here! I can't see any of my neighbors houses from my windows. There are only 2 other houses on my stretch of the road. This is the way I like it! My children can go outside and explore and play on the 86 acres that surrounds our house. I can have a huge garden and raise animals. I vote country!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Hey now! Don't be making fun of the TOR-TOO-LONI waitress. My first day on the job, I ordered a Mer-LOT from the bar. Yes, as in rhymes with a lot. I never heard the end of it. So don't be making fun of the poor TOR-TOO-LONI waitress. Because I totally feel her pain.

Shauna said...

I am new here! What a great blog :)

Izzy 'N Emmy said...

I was laughing so hard I nearly pee'd my pants! A valentines to remember!

Jennifer said...

That was classic! So what movie did you see?

Abra said...

Why while I was laughing through this did I really want to know what movie you went to see?

pam said...

I'm a country girl who married a city boy (from YOUR city) too. And he really doesn't get my country-ness, but I know he secretly loves visiting my hometown. It's sort of like going to a foreign, undeveloped country I guess.
Fun post!

Growin' with it! said...

"But if I lived through that, I would have had to drink whatever was in the flask just to calm down, and that could be really dangerous too"....oh you got me laughin' on this one! ☺

Elizabeth said...

I used to say that I wanted to live in a small town, but now that we do I have a bad attitude about it. I don't ask for much, but a Target and a Starbucks would be nice! I miss the city. . .

Brooke said...

I really, really get this. Our ONE movie theatre is super old and doesn't have locks on the bathroom doors. SERIOUSLY. You're just supposed to knock before you go in. Have you EVER met a child that knocks? Yes, I have been walked in on. I never get soda anymore if I go to the movie theatre here because I want to avoid the bathroom at all costs. Did you see my Wyoming post the other day? It gives a whole bunch of little quirks about living in Wyoming (which I think could be applicable to many small towns). Anyway, it's just fun.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

First of all, I don't deal with drunk well at all. No patience for it. (Biggest pet peeve in the world: watching parents order alcohol out to dinner or at sporting events with their kids. I almost stomp over to them and ask WHO is driving their children home.) Even worse if the drunk person is someone you know because you want to dig a whole and crawl into it for them, but they're oblivious.

Second, how sad is it (but I totally understand) that you talk in terms of your next peaceful outing attempt being next YEAR?! Someday, Heather, we will go out to dinner and a movie whenever the heck we want. :)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Um, yah, that use of the word "whole" should have been without a W. I'm a genius.

kel said...

drunk at a matinee?? crazy freak!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Tortooloni has bologna (baloney) in it, that's all. What? Are you so snooty you can't have a little baloney in your tortooloni?

Nina said...

I have to say that is a tough choice between the city and the country. I have had both and both have great qualities.

I like your idea for next years valentines day. LOL...

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Having grown up in the city and most recently lived in the country, I inner-snorted through this whole post.

(Inner-snorting (verb): What one does when one reads a funny blog in a hotel room with sleeping children.)

Beck said...

We moved back to my small rural hometown after a decade in the city. It's been... odd. And now we have rural kids, the kind that are impressed by THREE STORY BUILDINGS! HAHAHAH.
(it's been fun, though, and I really do recommend it.)

Eowyn said...

Oi. I want to move to a small town now! That was a hilarious post!

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