5/7/09

Divided

Thursday~May 7, 2009

See this little guy?

And this little guy?

I miss them.

I know I'm with them all the time, but I still miss them.

We were trying to get out the door this morning, to bring Miles to preschool.
I was barking orders, frustrated, reminding Miles for the fifth time to put.his.shoes.on.

I was rushing around like a headless chicken, pulling Asher's shirt over his head with a flourish.
I was stomping my foot at the dog because she wasn't walking to the door fast enough.

I tried to push it out of my head, but there it was, too big of an elephant to be ignored.
Our being behind schedule was not about shoes or the dog or even disobedience.
It was because of me. I spent so much time in my own head space this morning, formulating this post, returning emails, peeking in on Twitter...I didn't look at the clock until it was time to gasp and rush.

It happens all the time. Almost every time I'm frustrated and overwhelmed, it's because I'm feeling so divided. I'm not good at divided. Sure, I need to have my own head space, to think, to write, to read...but not all the time, not while trying to do everything else. I start to feel so pulled in two directions, and that's just plain painful.

My family's needs are not going anywhere, and the truth is that I love to be the one to meet those needs. It is only when I feel split in two by my own doing that I start to grumble, resent, and even pout.

No, maybe I don't want to write less. Maybe I don't want to miss out on more posts written by my brilliant and inspiring friends. Maybe I sometimes feel I deserve lots of time in my own head, doing my own thing...after all, my husband does travel for work. Maybe I would prefer not to be as selfless as I need to be for all of us to feel better and live lighter.

But I'm going to try anyway. It's just time. I've been fighting it long enough.

And I miss my boys.

I'll still write here, just not so often. And I'll still be around, visiting you, I love to do that. I might miss more posts though, so please forgive. There's no way I'd stop spying on you all-together though. Oh no, I like you too much for that. So please picture me peeking in frequently, even if I don't always comment, I'll still be coming around.

I can't think of what to say at the end of this post. It's not like it's "THE END," but for some reason I have this feeling I'm supposed to say "Godspeed" or something. Weird. I hope I don't get hit by a truck.

Um...Peace out?
Um...Word up?
Um...Take care?

Um...See ya soon! But only during nap time, if that happens! Or maybe on a Saturday when I go to a coffee shop by myself. Or maybe when Ryan is in town and I have more time in the evenings! Yup.

Sorry, I'll stop now. Carry on.











51 clicked right here to comment:

LisAway said...

Hey, Heather!! You're right exactly where I am! Not in Poland in my living room, but I mean in the blogging evolutionary cycle (or whatever.) I love that. I hope you find more joy in your boys and less frustration with things not going right because you weren't "present". I'll miss you! (but of course, you said you'll still be around, so. . . But I'll still miss you)

Keyona said...

Oh I know how it can be, I took a week off once to take care of other issues but I really did miss it and make a point to give myself at least 20 minutes a day because it's more or so like a hobby and I need that to keep myself sane. Ya know? Yeah, you do. Talk to ya soon!

Lara said...

Yes. I think we've all been there. Or ARE there. It's such a delicate balance, and I very rarely actually find it.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

I love you. I get it. And I'll be here along the way...and when you get back...you know what I mean. :)

Becky said...

I so love to read posts like this one, not because it means I'll "see" less of you, but because I've been in this exact situation and I know how you feel. And yes, it's hard to give up that in-your-head time. I even feel like I'm out of the blogging loop most days, but I will tell you this: it is so worth it. The last month or so I've felt less stressed out, less scattered, and we actually get places ON TIME! It's a miracle.

So, good luck. And Godspeed.

Elizabeth said...

Divided. The exact word I used yesterday to describe what my focus on blogging sometimes does to me. It isn't good, and I don't want to be divided between something I like and something I LOVE. I'm with you on this, totally. For me it's not so much about balance as it is simply about remembering by priorities. Blogging is less important. Which is why so many posts get written in my head and never make it to the computer screen. I just have to live with that for now!

Read what you can, and comment when you can. I know we'll be in touch-we better! Peace out.

NorahS said...

All things in moderation, right? It is hard to find a balance but it's worth the effort.

Peace out? Cracked me up.

Sue said...

Good for you, Heather. People will still read when you get around to blogging. I know we worry that if we stop for a little while everyone will flee, but for the past two months I've been blogging something ridiculous like once or twice a month, and you know what? I haven't lost a single follower or a single subscriber. People get it. Balance is good. Enjoying LIFE is good. Good stuff.

mrs boo radley said...

Oh dear. It's happening to all of us. twitter flew the coop because my compost worms and penstamons weren't getting enough of my attention, and something just had to go. I can only imagine what it must be like to have little ones and a canine underfoot too! We still love you, even if you need to take a break.

Smooches in the sky with less rushing,
Leah

The Mom said...

I think we all have to find that balance in our lives. Your children are what are most important right now. Keep a notebook handy and jot down ideas for posts when they come to you. And then blog when they are asleep. Or when they are 20 and moved out. LOL

Peanut said...

I SO get you.
I'll miss you, but I get you.

Eowyn said...

I find it interesting that every blogger has to go through this.

Good luck on your time away. . .ish.

Eowyn said...

Just read up on all your posts. You are beyond awesome!

I love music too.

Debbie said...

You know I feel like my summer will be the same way. I'm proud of you for doing what you need to do.

Mylestones said...

Thanks for your honesty. I'm taking comfort knowing I'm not the only one who turns getting out the door in the a.m. into panic mode b/c I don't come out of my own head until the last minute. Makes me feel a wee bit less pathetic to know it's not just me. Just a wee bit.
And good, good, GOOD for you to decide to dial down for a while. We're much better off "missing out" on twitter or blogging than we are missing out on those special moments with our little ones!

Angie said...

"Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch." :)

Good for you for choosing to see the benefits and beauty around you... hoping you can have a few days where life is a snail's pace. :) I'll miss reading you every day, but I think you're making the BEST decision.

Peace out right back atcha!

Muthering Heights said...

We'll be here! :)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I completely understand. And if it makes you feel better, a lot of us are better about reading the blogs that don't post daily. It's hard to keep up with 5-7 posts a week!

Always good to keep your priorities in order.

Sheryl said...

WHAT???? you can't do that!!

of course, i am kidding. good for you. i never expect to hear from you every day, so i will be thrilled whenever i see that you've posted.

peace out and word up!

Annette Lyon said...

I think every blogger goes through these ups and downs and having to reevaluate. Good mommy. :)

Deb said...

oh heather. wise words, great insight. you're doing the right thing. i tell people this all the time, but i wish we would ALL take an oath to just post once a week, and it would all be so much more manageable.

Kristina P. said...

I'm always amazed at how moms are able to balance their family with blogging. I don't have kids, and I have a husband that is gone a lot, and a full time job with computer access, so it's not hard for me.

See you around the corner!

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

I absolutely understand what you are saying. Before I started blogging I was a lonely mom, trying to take care of my family as best I could, but feeling so lost at times. After I started blogging I gained such a sense of community and friendship. The very things I was missing so much. Now my problem is that I have to find a balance between my love and need of blogging/writing and the more important needs of my family. I'm so there with you.

Kimberly said...

Bloggy evolution can be a beautiful thing, luv. I'm happy for you. =)

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I find it sort of...well, comforting, I guess, that all of us bloggers go through this. I've had to dial it WAY back too, and even though I'd love to spend hours and hours a day reading a million blogs and writing to my hearts content, it just doesn't work that way. So good for you - you're investing your time where it matters the most.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I have been feeling like blogging/commenting/twitter/etc/etc have been taking up too much time in my life and in my head for a while now. I have tried to pull back a little and do less but for some reason I feel like I am still doing too much on the computer and not enough in my life. I get it Heather, I totally get where you are coming from.

Jen said...

I totally get you on this. I blog during nap time and after the kids are in bed and thats it.
And I too have been thinking about slowing down....

Melanie J said...

Good luck!

Abra said...

LOVE YOU!!

Rach@In His Hands said...

I getcha, girlfriend......and my sweet boy isn't even home yet!!

Peace to my sista.

MommyTime said...

I think we all go through this periodically -- getting sucked into the friends we make online, then realizing that our priorities are stressing us out and we have to refocus. I have tried hard for a while now to find a balance, and I think I've finally hit a good one for me. I get fewer comments on posts than I used to, which I'm sure is because I make it out to my friends' blogs once or twice a week rather than once or twice a day. But I know that I'm spending the amount of time that I can without being stressed or missing my family. And that's the most important thing. You'll find your balance too. And we'll all still be here, whenever you have a moment to pop by.

Have fun with the boys! They're only little once.

a Tonggu Momma said...

I loved every minute of my break last week. Well... not the drama part of it all, but definitely the break part. And I've been slowly cutting back, too. Have fun with your boys - they won't be this age again.

happygeek said...

You go girl.
There's a reason I only blog 2-3 times a week and limit myself to 30 blogs. I don't blog or even read them when the boys are awake. It works for me, it's not for everyone, but it helps me stay focused on my three favorite things in the world.
Enjoy your time with your babes!!!!!!

charrette said...

Heather, I think this is so perfect. The wisest mothers and bloggers I know are pulling back.

I can't tell you how much I will miss your fun-loving and heart-filled comments and beautiful insights.

But you'll probably still be around as often as I am....

Kazzy said...

I wonder when that divided feeling goes away. I am a bazillion years older than you and still feel it.

You will get a good rhythm that works for you. And everyone will still be here.

Blessed said...

This is one reason I keep coming back to your blog - you hit the nail on the head so many times. I've cut back a lot on my personal computer time for this exact same reason... oh and hubby likes to have clean clothes and dinner :)

Carrie said...

I totally understand what you're going through - I took a 3-week break from blogging in March, and it was hard, but it was wonderful - I got caught up on so many other things. Now I'm back blogging a little, but the commitment I have made is not to use the internet while my son is awake...except for that golden hour in the morning while he watches Sesame Street. :) I'm sure you'll find a balance, though! :)

Kim said...

I completely understand. I have had to do the same. My kids come first, always.

I still lurk around and don't always comment. I can't give it up, I need it. but they need me and that is more important right now.

So, we'll be here...or at least I will, when you can find a few minutes to write :)

That Girl in Brazil said...

I still post often, because it's a great release, but I check other people's blogs only once a week now. My children (and my sanity) have thanked me for that.

Carry on, lady. Carry on.

Tooj said...

I have found a very good comfortable ground that requires me staying up an hour or so later, but really...who needs to go to bed when the kids do? I realized I don't....and I tend to get OTHER things done too, when I stay up later. :) I switch out the extra load of laundry, load the dishwasher instead of piling in the sink....I might fold some clothes. But I've tried to always save any blogging and reading for when I'm done with tucking in the boys. I can concentrate better, laugh to myself without peeking on kids falling or crying.....
I hope you find a good balance. I hope you enjoy the boys. I hope you don't let all the everyday stuff overwhelm you. Life is just life...you gotta live it and love it. :)

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

With the weather being warm, and those kids and their ADORABIBBLE faces, I don't blame you. I could eat them up all day long.

Speaking of, mine is half nekkie and looking scrumptious. I feel like a snack or two ;)

Do your thing, honey. We'll be here awaiting. Wouldn't miss it for the world <3

Less Toil Traci said...

Take your time, girl. Been there, done that, totally get it.

Less Toil Traci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marisa said...

I love your humor! I totally understand where you are at right now. Having little ones to take care of is very time consuming! I will look forward to reading your posts when you do get a chance!

Mommy Mo said...

Hey friend! Do what you need to do and wite wheneever you can. I'll be around to read : ). I, too, have found that I physically have to shut down the computer and step away at times, otherwise I will be sucked into the vortex of bloggyland.

Mommy Mo said...

I like you so much that I am going to add your button to my blog! Word up, peace out.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

You know you'll be missed.

But you are choosing the best over the good, the eternal over the oh-so-very temporary.

Way to go, my friend. I'm proud of you.

Bonnie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I was feeling the same way a couple of months ago. I decided I would get up a little earlier in the morning and spend 1 hour on blogging, after that I try to stay off the computer. It's been nice because I really look forward to that hour each morning, and I don't feel guilty because I'm all "theirs" the rest of the day (mostly).

Erin said...

I am really struggling with this right now. I love to write. I love the interaction. I love to make friends. And sometimes it is overwhelming. And sometimes it is too time consuming. And I want to be present with my kids (like I posted about last week). I'm still trying to figure things out, and I hope it will be sooner than later because it's kind of eating me up inside while I struggle. I hope you have found a groove that will work for you. (And if it works really well, share it with me so I can figure this out for myself!)

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

It's all so crazy - this love for writing and connecting and encouraging on line, but the real life demands that can get pushed aside.

I've been dealing with these thoughts this morning, and came over here only to see you had recently adressed it in this post.

I have had to cut back on my blog reading - and commenting, and my hits, acording to site meter (love hate relationship sm and I have)have gone way down. I felt strangely panicky. And then quite silly for feeling that way.

But, I guess if people were only reading my blog because I was commenting on theirs, than oh well if they don't want to any more huh?!

I really do strive for the right balance. Who knows what that is. We can just keep trying.

Lisa said...

One thing that helps me (maybe?) is that I dont' use Google Reader, I just visit a site once in a while as I have the time. Of course our blogs are on completely different levels, but I can see how it has the potential to be too much.

Re-prioritizing every so often is a good thing and I know you'll make the best of your time in "real life", especially now that the weather is requiring outside play.

Thanks also for sending me the link to the video. I am working my way through it and already its been incredible.

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