Asher and I were on our way to pick up Miles from preschool. It was raining but not snowing or too cold and yet a car started spinning in circles across the freeway in front of us. It seemed to be floating across all the lanes while the driver tried to regain control and slow down.
You know how when something like that happens, about a million things go through your head, from how you're going to somehow not hit the circling car, to what you're going to do to make sure you hit them on your side and not your child's side, to oh dear we're going to die and I was not nice at all to Ryan this morning?
Yeah, I was doing that, because it was really close. Thankfully, we missed each other by a few feet, and then...silence. Perfect silence.
It was the kind of close call that left me sitting for a moment on the shoulder, cars flying past us while I regained my composure. I was shaking so that my foot didn't want to drive and I started to cry. I couldn't help it, the stress came out my eyes.
The panic of the moment and the stress of having our house on the market and ten showings in eights days. Of cleaning constantly and trying to stop the big messes from happening all day, every day. The pressure to feel like we're doing the right thing even though I really have no idea and it's a really big deal. It built up and came out my eyes.
To be honest, our life feels really out of control lately, in many ways, moving or not. These things are driving me to spin with my thoughts, our days out of control, emotional upheaval, stress, disconnection, impatience, stress...It's as if I must think of everything to make sure we don't crash, to cover all our bases...seat belts buckled, air bags on...think think think.
It's hard when there's no time to come to a stop and sit in silence, regaining your composure, breathing, praying and sitting still. But sometimes there's no time for it. So for now, to be honest, I'm showing up to school late, limping with my broken foot, hair all wonky and still shaking from a near miss on the highway. I've got make up under my eyes from the releasing of stress and I'm stumbling over my words. I appear a bit not okay, and I don't like it.
But just in time, there are reprieves, little glimmers of safety and light at just the right moments. Like when I was driving my boys to a Halloween party and they fell asleep. I drove aimlessly to let them escape all the cleaning and getting out of the house we've been doing, all the stress from grown-up things that make no sense to them. Then I got a phone call from a dear old friend, telling me that she's engaged and I heard joy in her voice and couldn't stop smiling after we hung up, the happy coming out my eyes. I drove along and couldn't get enough of all the fall colors, and then I noticed it...the silence. Perfect silence.
So we drove and we rested and we weren't spinning quite so fast. I looked in the rear view mirror at peaceful faces and thought about these moments of mercy, ones that bring me back to peace, a gasp of air, before the spinning starts again.
P.S. Two more bright spots in this week:
1) I got to talk to Lee for a long time, and once again she encouraged me to take a compliment and believe in myself, and then made me laugh. Friendship totally rocks.
2) This post by Sarah at Momalom. A-MA-ZING. I really do have "a very wealthy life."