The Order of Disorder

When I was single, everything really was in perfect order at my place. It clears my head to have a clear space. Then I got married, got a dog and a house, added on to that house (still working on that), and had two children - all in the span of three years. Besides the stress of this list in and of itself, I find what bothers me most of the time is the mess. Now, don't get me wrong. I love the creatures that are making this mess (myself included). BUT, sometimes I just can't take it. Okay, I'll admit it. I spend much too much time fussing and fighting about it and over it. Just ask the eldest of my three boys. It's silly, I know. But I'm having a hard time letting go. Cleanliness isn't neccessarily Godliness. It's probably pretty Godly to be patient about it and live in peace at home despite the mess. So I'm working on it. A LOT. Some days I do pretty well. I focus on what matters. I get down on the floor and play with Miles, I sit and smile at Asher while he smiles back, I take a seat in a chair and stay sitting for long enough to have an entire conversation with my husband. I pet the dog. I blog.

Then there are the days when I spin my wheels in frustratoin all day. I focus solely on how much laundry is done, if there are dishes in the sink and whether or not the boys have had a bath. I notice every dust bunny and fuzzy on my carpet. I wince over all the dog hair and sometimes clutter brings me to tears. Usually I'm tired on these days. Then to make matters worse, I take it out on my family. Enter the guilt. Not a good program really. Those are the days when I say "I'm really sick of myself." I'm starting to slowly realize that I can change this. I can relax. This is not entirely who I am. Sometimes I agree with the voice in my head that says I'm an awful wife and mother who can't relax and isn't nice. Oh, silliness. So easy to do when you're sleep deprived and anal. I've decided the best thing to do is to start a new monologue in my head. I've recently been taught to repeatedly tell myself that I am who GOD says I am. In the process of that learning, I've found out He made with a truly good heart and He wants great things for my life and the life of my family. Even in everyday life, He blesses me with peace. It's just that sometimes I trade that for the voice in my head. That good heart I was given sometimes becomes overshadowed by the lies that are told me by my own tricked brain. Yeah, I may be uptight about a lot of silly things when I let them take over, but it is a relief to know I can pray for strength to be my true self. My true self, she ain't SO bad. She loves these three people more than life (and even the dog despite her shedding hair). She just needs to remember that she can show that love not only with clean laundry and good meals, but mostly with quality time. I need to stop the ramble (you were warned) especially because I'm now writing in third person.... and anyway, I have to go do laundry.

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