Wednesday~September 2nd, 2009
All morning I've been trying to figure out how to say what I'm thinking. I didn't know how to express it, couldn't find my words. I kept trying and getting frustrated and shaking small people off my legs and getting frustrated.
Then I would stop and do dishes or pick some stuff up or break up a fight.
Then I read a couple of blogs, and what do you know? Two of my lovely friends said exactly what I was trying so hard to say....
Amber of The Run-A-Muck wrote How to build a house of prayer: look for flags of JOY
and Jo of Mylestones wrote Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down
Lately I've been ignoring my need for constant renewal. Not just rest and some peace and quiet and a break here and there, but renewal of the spiritual variety. I ignore it and then I feel up to my eyes in anger and frustration and complaining and sighing. I do get breaks in my days, I do connect with community right here and in my real day to day life. I do talk to friends and family on the phone and go out to dinner and for drives by myself.
But it's never enough.
The sacrifices of Motherhood require me to find renewal even beyond those good things. There are so many sacrifices, and they are there to pull me closer to where I find hope. That's a beautiful thing, really. Being so at the end of yourself that you have nothing left to do but reach out, begging for strength and wisdom and joy.
I have a tendency to forget.
This very morning, I covered my ears and then I screamed nearly to the top of my lungs and then I went out the front door and stood in the grass in bare feet and breathed deep the cool, crisp air. Because I had to, or I was going to lose my mind over the fussing and fighting and constant demands.
But this is not about these boys and their needs, this is about me and my lack of renewal. When I don't seek it, I think only of me and I find myself terribly exhausting. I suddenly see a thousand things as much too hard when these thousand things are not so hard if only I felt renewed. I have found only one place that keeps me in that constant state of renewal...
Yes. Knees bent, head bowed and hands folded...or, cold and bare feet in the grass with eyes up, begging.
So I read these two beautiful posts and felt understood and reminded. Read them too if you could stand some renewal or some understanding of the struggle that is the daily grind.
(You can read them by clicking on the underlined titles above.)
(photo courtesy of flickr)