Wednesday~September 2nd, 2009
All morning I've been trying to figure out how to say what I'm thinking. I didn't know how to express it, couldn't find my words. I kept trying and getting frustrated and shaking small people off my legs and getting frustrated.
Then I would stop and do dishes or pick some stuff up or break up a fight.
Then I read a couple of blogs, and what do you know? Two of my lovely friends said exactly what I was trying so hard to say....
Amber of The Run-A-Muck wrote How to build a house of prayer: look for flags of JOY
and Jo of Mylestones wrote Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down
Lately I've been ignoring my need for constant renewal. Not just rest and some peace and quiet and a break here and there, but renewal of the spiritual variety. I ignore it and then I feel up to my eyes in anger and frustration and complaining and sighing. I do get breaks in my days, I do connect with community right here and in my real day to day life. I do talk to friends and family on the phone and go out to dinner and for drives by myself.
But it's never enough.
The sacrifices of Motherhood require me to find renewal even beyond those good things. There are so many sacrifices, and they are there to pull me closer to where I find hope. That's a beautiful thing, really. Being so at the end of yourself that you have nothing left to do but reach out, begging for strength and wisdom and joy.
I have a tendency to forget.
This very morning, I covered my ears and then I screamed nearly to the top of my lungs and then I went out the front door and stood in the grass in bare feet and breathed deep the cool, crisp air. Because I had to, or I was going to lose my mind over the fussing and fighting and constant demands.
But this is not about these boys and their needs, this is about me and my lack of renewal. When I don't seek it, I think only of me and I find myself terribly exhausting. I suddenly see a thousand things as much too hard when these thousand things are not so hard if only I felt renewed. I have found only one place that keeps me in that constant state of renewal...
Yes. Knees bent, head bowed and hands folded...or, cold and bare feet in the grass with eyes up, begging.
So I read these two beautiful posts and felt understood and reminded. Read them too if you could stand some renewal or some understanding of the struggle that is the daily grind.
(You can read them by clicking on the underlined titles above.)
Peace out.
(photo courtesy of flickr)
40 clicked right here to comment:
And said so eloquently, as usual, is one of the many reasons why I love blogging, I love our community, and I love the written word. Often it's finding a voice when mine can't be found, or reading and commiserating just when you felt you were all alone.
I. Love. This. Stuff.
And? You aren't alone. I am with you, shaking off short people, struggling to find the words, to express the sacrifices. As their posts did for you, you spoke for ME, today.
*love and hugs* to you
I'm with Lisa- the written word definitely moves me and speaks to me when i seem not to understand anything else. :) And yes, the renewal is so, SO important. And so usually unachieved! Thank you for your getnle reminding.
Am I allowed to keep saying this? THANK YOU. Not just for your encouraging words, but for GETTING IT. Nothing comforts like a friend who gets my heart, who understands my lot in life. Who nods and says "me too!" It's so good to be in this, together with you....
Oh I get this post. I get it waaaay to well.
"But this is not about these boys and their needs, this is about me and my lack of renewal. When I don't seek it, I think only of me and I find myself terribly exhausting."
- love love love this...me too.
I am right there with you. Thank you for this post. Some of us need to know we aren't the only ones feeling this way.
Well said. I needed to hear this today. I need to do more seeking myself. The small stuff seems almost overwhelming at times but when I look at the entire picture I get it, I'm grateful and I can deal with it. Oh how I need His word.
Awesome post. We all woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. After I ended up spilling my entire 16oz. steaming hot Latte on my lap. . .I realized that I needed to just stop. Laugh at myself and start over.
Oh..amen...I am headed to check them out! :)
yes. this post is exactly what i needed today. despite vacation, feeling internally tapped out and weary. and here comes your voice, into my life in california. thank you.
there IS something about that cold wet grass. i still remember my first year of marriage, feeling "i have no clue how to be a wife" and in the middle of a conflict with my husband running into our backyard and laying face down in the cold, wet grass, calling out to God for something to give me direction.
I have been lacking in this area too. It seems to take something life changing to bring me back. I don't like this circle.
This conversation reminded me of the book Eat,Pray,Love...when she's face down on the bathroom floor, not even sure if she believes there is a God, knowing her marriage is over and crying out for help. She wanted to be told what to do and was basically told that she doesn't have to do anything but what she just did. "Get up and go to bed." (I paraphrase) She writes about how she knew God was real because He told her to rest. That's all she could do...rest, and then face the next day.
I have no idea why I'm sharing this, it just popped into my head randomly. Happens all the time...
Oh! And Anne Lamott (LOVE HER) saying that so many times in her life she only said two things to God...
Help.
and
Thank you.
UH HUH.
Matt and I just had the "you can't draw water from an empty well" conversation last night as I talked about my struggle to have the energy I need to use the self-discipline I should.
It's so true! Every single day is overwhelming when you're a mom. I wish I had known that when I was little so I could have been nicer to mine. :)
I love that in the blogging community we can often find a post that is like an answer to prayer and boosts us.
So sorry, chickadee, but Anne LaMott? MINE. There will be no sharing of things she says because only I can do that. She is my best friend. Or she would be, if she knew me. THAT is just how much I love her, and it always heartens me to find another woman who loves and gets her. Because like this post, she speaks to us, and this post made me want to weep with joy; I work outside the home, and I still get it. I send you the biggest hugs ever.
Kori, you crack me up. I'll share Anne Lamott with you, but you get the smaller piece. SO THERE!
And I think that this whole thing applies to working moms and non-moms and anyone just trying to do life. Just sayin'.
I'm right there with ya.
I love this post - you took the words right out of my heart and head and put them on paper.
You validated what I have been feeling - making me feel connected and whole again.
You are just one more reason I love this amazing community.
Alright, I'm going to start sounding like some sort of blog stalker or something, but seriously - you write what I need to read. It's almost like you're in my head! Haha :)
Thanks for the good reads (yours and the links...)
Great post, thank you for writing it.
Yours and the other two posts are simply put, perfect. Life as a mother can be both imperfect and perfect at the same time. You all conveyed that feeling so well.
You run with a cool crowd.
It was an honor to read them.
What a great topic. Renewal for mothers. Who doesn't need that? Good for you for realizing you needed it. You know what else you need? More contact with your friend, Debbie! Missing you.
okay, i don't know what has gotten into you lately, but you are crankin' out some good stuff. your writing has always been so stellar, but lately, man, i am telling you... you are touching my soul, girl.
Don't you just love that there's always someone else out there so that we know we're not alone?
This was just what I needed today - thank you!
I struggle with this because I NEVER get time for me. I don't take time for me. I'm always last, like most moms I guess, but I just always feel like "me" is the least important thing on the list.
And then I freak. You are so right when you say that all of the little things seem monumental when really if you felt fresh, they would be just no big deal. Or at least manageable.
Good one Heather. Good one.
Heather, this is such a fantastic post. It describes so much of what I've been feeling. I have felt so empty recently and it doesn't matter what I do...and then I realized that I have not been doing anything that I should to be closer to God. When I started trying to fill my empty cup, things started to turn around.
Thank you for this sweet and gentle reminder to all of us.
I'm so right there with you! Great post!!!
So true about prayer. Knees bent, or feet in the grass. We can be heard.
Thanks for helping me to get inspired. You are awesome.
I think you and I had the exact same morning. Thank you for writing this, expressing it all so beautifully. I will look in on these two lovely ladies. Right now I'm going to bed...right after I kneel down for some renewal.
I'm right there with you. And I don't think this ever ends, you know? We talk about craving routine and consistency, and yet how quickly even the most sought-after activities become mundane! (Especially if you're the poster grown-up for adult ADD...)
I know just what I need to do, and I thank you for the gentle kiester-kick!
What a wonderful writer you are.
I'm near tears here. I think I have two posts I need to read.
Okay, I finally made time to check the other two links. They were both wonderful! Thank you for sharing them. I have a related post, on perspective, that I put up on my other blog and wanted to share with you.
And then of course on my way over here I accidentally stumbled on one of my own that is strikingly similar in feeling and tone to what you're describing here. It's this one: http://divergentpathways.blogspot.com/2009/05/standing-still-and-motion-sick.html
Thank you again for always providing a place of refuge and sharing and honesty and uplift.
xo
Omigosh...THANK YOU!
I might take your method and scream tonight. I need it.
renewal.
such a simple yet profound way to think of Christ's gift to us
I can't believe how you get me.
Heather, this is exactly it. I don't know how to word my spiritual journey and seeking on my blog. I try and it doesn't come out the right way but I am thirsting. I am parched. I need renewal and restoration. I hate that I equate my inabilities and physical & emotional exhaustion to my children, when it is me and my neglected soul.
I hope you are having better days. I am, but I am so sensitive to it all. That's not a bad thing.
Steph
Renewal. Yeah, I need that. I skip my time with God when things get crazy and that's when I need it the most. That renewal time. I think we all understand!
I'm not even kidding when I say I was just writing on my blog about my having one of THOSE kind of days myself when I found I was lacking the words to express it so I flipped over to catch up on my blog lists and read your latest - voila! It's as if you were reading my mind. I was trying to put words to how or why my coping skills seemed non-existent today when any other day (just like this one) doesn't have me running away (literally! I went to the store and left my husband in charge while I escaped!) - but you hit the nail on the head for me! Renewal! That's what I need! Rest assured that your blog has meant the world to me today! Thank you for putting a voice to my struggle! I am about to go pray right now! Thank you!
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