Then so many of you were kind enough to say something along the lines of Um...okay, Heather...but how are YOU?
I'm trying to make friends with the middle. And by that I mean that I struggle to be okay with not being perfect while I also mostly just want to cave to being the opposite of perfect. For example, I feel so much more peace these days about all things motherhood. I used to ruminate and worry much more than I do with sobriety in my pocket, and it's strange new territory. Because as an addict (and a human being) I have this all or nothing tendency. So. That whole peace thing is bordering on laziness. Believe me. I know. I live here. Yesterday I did more nothing than I have in years and it makes me feel itchy. And I've been doing that more and more.
Yes, I know people need to shut down and decompress sometimes, but this is more like the disinterested and complacent kind of lazy. I know it well.
I think it's because the ALL side of me has been saying yes yes yes and now my calendar is saying WHAT WHAT WHAT? I'm working on taking it, you guessed it, one day at a time, but as my mom would say, MAN ALIVE, that's tricky.
My head has been spinning words and more words and I've been working on the book, which brings me hope. There are parts I love and parts I delete quickly with a roll of the eyes, of course. I'm trying hard to get myself out of the way and just.write. It's new territory and it's engulfing, so I'm doing things like totally forgetting that both of my boys (one with a medical condition) have not had their yearly doctor appointments.
And then there's the school issue. I haven't talked about this very much, maybe out of fear of some kind, but Miles is old enough for kindergarten and he's not going. Mostly because I'm frozen. I'm not happy with any of the options (HELLO PERFECTIONISM) and I want what is best for my boy. Making friends with the middle in this particular aspect of our lives has left me, once again, frozen.
Apparently I'm not really all that peaceful after all.
I'm working on it.
So. Miles is staying home this year, he's not signed up for preschool again this fall and that's a whole otha' story. It's actually kind of funny and has a whole lot to do with me being THAT mother, but it's too long for today.
So. What I'm saying is that I'm going to keep Miles home (he has a late birthday anyway) and we're going to try to navigate learning together. And by that I don't mean that we're going to see what level we can get to on Super Mario Bros, but I think both of us would prefer that, since it's lazier.
I have to push myself, I think that's what I'm thinking out loud to say. Most of my life I've had this ability, this God-given-not-of-me sense of right and wrong, best and not best...intuition, yo. I always know, I just know in my heart-gut what needs to happen and I sing its praises (or preach my opinion of what we should do, just ask Ryan) and then I tra-la-la...do exactly the opposite. Self-sabotaging at its best, you know?
(Just so you know, when I turn around and do the opposite thing, I defend what I'm doing like a champ, listing all kinds of reasons I've changed my mind and how wise my new decision is...)
I'm trying hard to not stand bug-eyed at the future. Because I'm writing and I'm parenting and sort of schooling and making doctor's appointments and planning for 4 speaking engagements (yes, I said "speaking engagements" because it sounds so fancy).
I have no idea how you full-time working moms do it, maybe that's all I'm saying.
And while I navel-gaze here today I get the sinking feeling that I need to shut up. Because the reality is, it's not all about ME. (Maggie wrote a beautiful post about that, by the way) and yet this is where I say it, the thoughts I have that bring me to struggle. And then, after they're out and they're heard, I move on, more able to focus on NOT ME, you know?
(Or maybe that's just a nice way of covering up how selfish blogging can be.)
Here's the deal. In the words of a guy who wrote a hymn,
It is well with my soul.
Truly. All of it. Decisions, pressure, creativity, mothering, home-makering, blogging, friendship, speaking, schooling, painting, wiping, mowing, laundering, bathing, fighting, strapping, bending, comforting, listening, kissing, writing....
I'm reading Mary Karr's memoir, Lit. It's a stunning masterpiece, just so you know. And she said this one thing that pierced me last night as I read. She described the balcony on which she would sit and drink and smoke when her child was small. She would hide there no matter what the weather and turn inward. She did this (I did this) because,
"Not one thing on the planet operates as I would have it, and only here can I plot my counterattacks."
With that one sentence, she summed up so very much of my drinking life. And this is why "it is well with my soul," because now, I don't have to plan my counterattacks, I can simply trust. I can see it, all that does not operate as I would have it, and I know that, put simply, it will all be alright, in the end.
It is well.